Dear... Whoever.
Heres a little slice i like to call life.
Today, and the past few days, well more like, a little while (being within days/weeks) have been pretty stressing for me, i dunno who else to talk to or anything and its been quite some time since ive been on here. Things have been going pretty rough, and as the days go by, they feel shorter, but never seem to end, and as time passes i realize i have less and less around me to hold onto, as in, less and less things to keep me occupied, people to talk to and hang out. I dont have much besides my love and my friends, and the gettaway witch i would like to call work. Times like these have been kinda gettind me down to the point to where, i jus want the day to end so i can wake up the next day, or jus sleep the rest of my days off, but when i wake up the next day its more jus like a continuation, and the same thoughts and problems appear in my mind when i wake up.
Well thats the jist of things, now the problem, i jus kinda feel like me and my love have been bickaring too often over my disconent on some aspects of our relationship, i feel bad for always getting on her case for the same few things, but sometimes you jus cant help how you feel, and i dont want to be like before where i never said anything. I just dont like us to be in this mess of all the same issues, and the argueing, and seeing her cry, and me crying when no ones around, n haveing eachoters feelings hurt. I want things to be good, i just dunno how to go about things, idk if its me thats makeing things worse, or is it her, or both of us, but it dosent really matter whose fault it is anyways. But all this beings me the greatest feeling of unease ever, i kinda feel like im falling apart, im really worried too. I worry that she'll get tired of my shit, tired of being hurt, tired of the tears, tired of me, theres so much more than pain out there, and i dont want to drag her down, in other words, im kinda scared of looseing her. Sometimes i imagin what it would be lie if she were to leave n find sombody new, its heartacheing like lookin at one of our past incidents i will not explain in this blog. I miss summer, how everything was good, not too much to care about, the nice summer heat, and her company, all the time. Now its cold, and can no longer see, and i have to start wearing tones of layes like i useto when i useto go ride my bike every morning to see her sweet face.
My heats sunk deep into my chest, i feel horribe, and im waist deep in the shit, and i need to find a way out...
no just for me, but i gotta find the extra stregnth to pull her out too.
Its only tuesday and im exhausted, physcally, mentally, emotionally, and psycologically, wakeing up 6days ina row this week at 4:50am is takeing its tole, i gotta do the same next week too. I dont want to be down anymore but i feel lost and im falling apart, idk how im gunna get through this week
somteims i wish i could jus go, jus go, jus go out and foreget, but i cant, i cant something always stops me.
well i better hit the hay before i start to cry again.
P.S. - Never, ever watch scarry movies, im still paranoid from watching a haunting in conniticut with chris in kinlee days ago, and after that incident in the stockroom, i jus hate being alone.
Gnite, i hope tomo is a diffrent day.
<3
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Life.
Life
were all in it, we have to make the best of it... i cant see that sometimes... i hate the fact that im so negative sometimes, sometimes i wonder why im not like happy like everyone else, or maybe that somethings wrong with myself, like maybe i needs some depression meds or something.
i have a bad/funny feeling that later in life i might turn out to be a bad apple, and be a violent rapeist or soemthing. So i gotta remember the things i tell myself in my head.
I get this feeling when im around my girlie, like shes gunna do sooo much more, and be so much more, as in successful, its kinda weird, i know shes a smart girl, ive got high hopes for her, without a doubt she'll be smarter than me and do better at whatever it is she wants to do.
Funny how that funny feeling also makes me kick myself in the ass sometimes xD
ive been such a downer at times, i want to be happy like others i always feel like theres something seriously wrong with me cuase im not like them.
like im at a circus at night, even with all the light and fun around, your still surrounded by darkness.
i geuss sometimes i can be kinda moody, and other times like recently i have legitimit reasons for feeling the way i feel.
things may not always go my way... i may have not gotten the oppertunitys like my brother has... or get to do things when i want to, spend money on the things i want to, hang with friends like id like to or simple things like talk to the one i love like id like to.
but i should try not to dwell, i shoudl know better, i always kick myself in the ass for feeling certain ways or having certian feelings.
but things are good i just have to see that... i dont want to sit here not feeling a thing.
hopefully ill start working soon, so i can get some $ and save up for a car, or buy that book for emily or just be able to go out to eat with friends and not worrie about how much it costs.
i went to a body shop yesterday, it made me real excited and made me look foward to going to college for it, it looks like fun, get your own little work corner and tool chest, get to hang up your certificuts of compleation on the wall haha i want to start. and my brother since he got new tools he said i can take his old ones, and they are still new so im happy about that, im going to try and find all the tools.
Emmy said we should do a bad ass photoshoot together sometime, ive already plotted some ideas for it heh...i think it would be fun, i always enjoy haveing her around, just makes me feel so much better inside that im doing something right, and that i make someone happy, love is the second greatest feeling next to the girl you love (yur just better than love itself xD idk lol) Shes such a goodie goodie girl i dunno what id do without her at times.
although at times i feel like i dont matter, or im just a pain neuscence... i should probobly be slapped for thinking that.
i also feel like im missing the bigger picture, it shouldnt be about my picture, but more of her and the people shes associated with? idk
My dad broke out some old Travler d&d books, the game sounds real cool, i want mah buddehs to joint it lol i hope they can all come tomo. and ive been thinking about playing the addiction again, WoW, idk i dont have much $ i cant afford to waist it since i have to fix my car.
well its 1:32 i think im gunna try and get some sleep, im feelign a little better, ill kick myself in the ass in the morning for being so down and thinking the things i do, sorry if this offended anyone or anything.
Goodnight.
were all in it, we have to make the best of it... i cant see that sometimes... i hate the fact that im so negative sometimes, sometimes i wonder why im not like happy like everyone else, or maybe that somethings wrong with myself, like maybe i needs some depression meds or something.
i have a bad/funny feeling that later in life i might turn out to be a bad apple, and be a violent rapeist or soemthing. So i gotta remember the things i tell myself in my head.
I get this feeling when im around my girlie, like shes gunna do sooo much more, and be so much more, as in successful, its kinda weird, i know shes a smart girl, ive got high hopes for her, without a doubt she'll be smarter than me and do better at whatever it is she wants to do.
Funny how that funny feeling also makes me kick myself in the ass sometimes xD
ive been such a downer at times, i want to be happy like others i always feel like theres something seriously wrong with me cuase im not like them.
like im at a circus at night, even with all the light and fun around, your still surrounded by darkness.
i geuss sometimes i can be kinda moody, and other times like recently i have legitimit reasons for feeling the way i feel.
things may not always go my way... i may have not gotten the oppertunitys like my brother has... or get to do things when i want to, spend money on the things i want to, hang with friends like id like to or simple things like talk to the one i love like id like to.
but i should try not to dwell, i shoudl know better, i always kick myself in the ass for feeling certain ways or having certian feelings.
but things are good i just have to see that... i dont want to sit here not feeling a thing.
hopefully ill start working soon, so i can get some $ and save up for a car, or buy that book for emily or just be able to go out to eat with friends and not worrie about how much it costs.
i went to a body shop yesterday, it made me real excited and made me look foward to going to college for it, it looks like fun, get your own little work corner and tool chest, get to hang up your certificuts of compleation on the wall haha i want to start. and my brother since he got new tools he said i can take his old ones, and they are still new so im happy about that, im going to try and find all the tools.
Emmy said we should do a bad ass photoshoot together sometime, ive already plotted some ideas for it heh...i think it would be fun, i always enjoy haveing her around, just makes me feel so much better inside that im doing something right, and that i make someone happy, love is the second greatest feeling next to the girl you love (yur just better than love itself xD idk lol) Shes such a goodie goodie girl i dunno what id do without her at times.
although at times i feel like i dont matter, or im just a pain neuscence... i should probobly be slapped for thinking that.
i also feel like im missing the bigger picture, it shouldnt be about my picture, but more of her and the people shes associated with? idk
My dad broke out some old Travler d&d books, the game sounds real cool, i want mah buddehs to joint it lol i hope they can all come tomo. and ive been thinking about playing the addiction again, WoW, idk i dont have much $ i cant afford to waist it since i have to fix my car.
well its 1:32 i think im gunna try and get some sleep, im feelign a little better, ill kick myself in the ass in the morning for being so down and thinking the things i do, sorry if this offended anyone or anything.
Goodnight.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Fly (ignore me! my writeing is full of shit)
theres alot of shit going down n its leading right between us
its a cold world when all you're showing me all dis ice
all ive been tryin to do was jus be nice
but ive had it with you and your mistakes
tired of gettin gunned down for all the times i try to help you fly
u just runnin by pushin me by like we don mean shit
but your da one whos fulla shit
its a cold world when all you're showing me all dis ice
all ive been tryin to do was jus be nice
but ive had it with you and your mistakes
tired of gettin gunned down for all the times i try to help you fly
u just runnin by pushin me by like we don mean shit
but your da one whos fulla shit
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Possesion...
Ok im kinda scared
ive been getting these strange sleep feelings form time to time, wher ei cant move and im looseing air, and i have to move side to side to get feeling back into my lungs to get air... idk what it is, but i always feel it comming on, i just had it real bad...
everytime i get it, i get a real vivid dream or image, this time i was with some people in my room, or something and like this person or demon or something goes into someone, and i saw it it everyone, and then it all moved to one, and i said in my mind demon, kill it, then thats when things got crazy
i couldnt wake up, and it felt like something passed through me, like i had my eyes open but couldnt move and the whoel room was spinning and swirling, i got feeling back and now im back on...
idk...
i hate these nightmares...
possesion?
ive been getting these strange sleep feelings form time to time, wher ei cant move and im looseing air, and i have to move side to side to get feeling back into my lungs to get air... idk what it is, but i always feel it comming on, i just had it real bad...
everytime i get it, i get a real vivid dream or image, this time i was with some people in my room, or something and like this person or demon or something goes into someone, and i saw it it everyone, and then it all moved to one, and i said in my mind demon, kill it, then thats when things got crazy
i couldnt wake up, and it felt like something passed through me, like i had my eyes open but couldnt move and the whoel room was spinning and swirling, i got feeling back and now im back on...
idk...
i hate these nightmares...
possesion?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Never Says, "Never Said"
From these eyes
i can see the world
yoru world
but apart not a part
just to
hear your words
not to know
how you live
but to understand how you are
solitude
you can make it
never even try
its what you were born to do
theres no excuse
your better than me
never even try
its what you wer born to do
no matter what
always climbing
never dyeing
to see what the world only wishes to see
is your destiny
one without me
i could only see
one like me
killing thee
if i were to disappear
you'd never see
what i brought to thee
please climb high
you can make it
never even try
its what you were born to do
theres no excuse
your better than me
never even try
its what you wer born to do
to see what the world only wishes to see
im sure you can do without my unneeded weight
i can see the world
yoru world
but apart not a part
just to
hear your words
not to know
how you live
but to understand how you are
solitude
you can make it
never even try
its what you were born to do
theres no excuse
your better than me
never even try
its what you wer born to do
no matter what
always climbing
never dyeing
to see what the world only wishes to see
is your destiny
one without me
i could only see
one like me
killing thee
if i were to disappear
you'd never see
what i brought to thee
please climb high
you can make it
never even try
its what you were born to do
theres no excuse
your better than me
never even try
its what you wer born to do
to see what the world only wishes to see
im sure you can do without my unneeded weight
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Fonzzie
Might i add
we are acustomed to meeting
time and time again
ever so fond, like a bird to a tree
comming and going
ever so knit
unable to co-exist without the other
never staying never leaving
always careing
a bond ever so sick
when all is not well
and your not around
i hope the wind blows you back
when your here i hope you stay
so sick to see you leave
so sick to let you go
after all its just nature
- Kevin
P.S. - ???
we are acustomed to meeting
time and time again
ever so fond, like a bird to a tree
comming and going
ever so knit
unable to co-exist without the other
never staying never leaving
always careing
a bond ever so sick
when all is not well
and your not around
i hope the wind blows you back
when your here i hope you stay
so sick to see you leave
so sick to let you go
after all its just nature
- Kevin
P.S. - ???
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Life 2
Well heres another pointless update.
So yeah, idk i kinda get this mentality right now where im kinda in a bad rut and im paying for things i geuss, its cause im supersticious and believe things, even crap i make up. Well, anyways... yesterday i took a real bad spill trying to get to emily cause she got out early, and i didnt want to keep her waiting, so i went to fast and beefed it in fron of the college, i rode pase the place where i crashed theres a good 2-3 ft scratch in the concrete, and few other places where parts of me or my bike hit, so in other words, i got pretty fucked up, the skin scraped almost down to the bone on my pinky knuckle, and 2 spots on the top of my knuckel where my skin broke, my arm ended up slideing across the concrete creating a big ol wound on my arm, and small one on my knee, and a large gash on my elbow, also another small scrape on my face... and where i hit on my right side, my headphones got smashed, and i bruised and got some red marks on my inne rtheigh, and my tumb also hit somewhere in teh mix... so in other words im pretty fucked up, wraped up in bandages like it was vietnam.... not such a good feeling
In other news, i took my drivers test today, after waiting forever. Things went pretty well i didnt know what to expect... i didnt know a few things but i easily got the hang of it. i got there early and waited and didt get taken out till about 15mins after 8, the girl before me i was sooo surprized i thought she did well cause she was back in like 5 mins, i came back and realized she failed. The instructer was nice, gave directions a little bad so i geuss you could say i could have done better, i thought id be all happy to get it, and id kinda celebrate by going out wiht friends and chow down on something, but it was the opposite, i dont really want to drive cause it raises the insurence up soo much for my parents, and things are tight as it is... thought id feel good if i passed, the feeling is nutral and im kinda bummed
like i mentioned ealier, im supersticious... so i think maybe karma is getting back at me big time... through bad luck and bad things happening or whatver...
Ive been hanging out with chris kinlee austen and courteny latly its been real fun, but things kinda feel like im just in a dream world, and like something big and devistateing is comming up. idk
i guess i just kinda bummin right now...
good memmorries right here...
So yeah, idk i kinda get this mentality right now where im kinda in a bad rut and im paying for things i geuss, its cause im supersticious and believe things, even crap i make up. Well, anyways... yesterday i took a real bad spill trying to get to emily cause she got out early, and i didnt want to keep her waiting, so i went to fast and beefed it in fron of the college, i rode pase the place where i crashed theres a good 2-3 ft scratch in the concrete, and few other places where parts of me or my bike hit, so in other words, i got pretty fucked up, the skin scraped almost down to the bone on my pinky knuckle, and 2 spots on the top of my knuckel where my skin broke, my arm ended up slideing across the concrete creating a big ol wound on my arm, and small one on my knee, and a large gash on my elbow, also another small scrape on my face... and where i hit on my right side, my headphones got smashed, and i bruised and got some red marks on my inne rtheigh, and my tumb also hit somewhere in teh mix... so in other words im pretty fucked up, wraped up in bandages like it was vietnam.... not such a good feeling
In other news, i took my drivers test today, after waiting forever. Things went pretty well i didnt know what to expect... i didnt know a few things but i easily got the hang of it. i got there early and waited and didt get taken out till about 15mins after 8, the girl before me i was sooo surprized i thought she did well cause she was back in like 5 mins, i came back and realized she failed. The instructer was nice, gave directions a little bad so i geuss you could say i could have done better, i thought id be all happy to get it, and id kinda celebrate by going out wiht friends and chow down on something, but it was the opposite, i dont really want to drive cause it raises the insurence up soo much for my parents, and things are tight as it is... thought id feel good if i passed, the feeling is nutral and im kinda bummed
like i mentioned ealier, im supersticious... so i think maybe karma is getting back at me big time... through bad luck and bad things happening or whatver...
Ive been hanging out with chris kinlee austen and courteny latly its been real fun, but things kinda feel like im just in a dream world, and like something big and devistateing is comming up. idk
i guess i just kinda bummin right now...
good memmorries right here...
Friday, April 24, 2009
10 Months Together
I love her, words cant describe sometimes, if i the stregneth to remember everything i meant to say and say it at the right moment id tell her how much she'd mean to me. Ive really been thinkin about things to say since the little drama, just never got much of a chance to say them...
ohh well
heres a song
and the Lyrics
The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever
As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)
P.S. - I know im a sappy kinda guy.
Goodnight
ohh well
heres a song
and the Lyrics
The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever
As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)
P.S. - I know im a sappy kinda guy.
Goodnight
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Life
Here we go just for a little bit...
Hows life right now for me.
well i cant complain, some things could be better, im having my up's and down's alot. I was really excited for this week to begin last weekand and what not, its kinda died down alot almost to the point to where i just want to sleep to waist the day away. Well Emily has her game tomo, ive been looking foward to being there for her cause its also out 10mo aniversery, and then firday, is our prom. We've been kinda mixed up in some conflict i geuss, its kinda hard for myself to keep myself up, since theres not much i can do about my past, cause whats done is dont... theres no turning back, no going back, it cant change... and its not something you can just shake a stick (sorry) at, the most i can do is to just reassure things but its hard to just even talk to her at times, shes at school, busy doing homework, cant hang out on weekdays and kinda hard on weekands too, and she cant be on the phone after a certain time... well ill just have to keep trying... things have been getting the best of me and its brought me to tears for the past few nights, and before i knew what the problem was she wouldnt tell me so i got worried, ill admit ive been looseing sleep for over the week over the ordeal, looseing my appitite too... so a week that i thought would just be amazin is kinda on the down low now, things will get better i hope... im just worried about things well everything falling apart...
So today ive been thinking, i havent been eating much, so i just got one deating a big lunch, idk whats up, i passed up my mom's tacos last night, and the day before i didnt eat breakfast of lunch, but ive been drinking soooo much (no not like alcohol). My parents got some 2 gallons of fruit punch... the first day we got it i practically drank one whole carton at dinner time... and the other day i drank half the 2 gallon jug of green tea in the garage... well i geuss when things are going down i loose my appitite, but since summers rollin round i geuss its good that im drinking so much, and everytime i drink, i drink like mad, like giveing someone who's been out in teh desert a jug of water lol. Well the tacos were good i scarfed them down and now i full, maybe one day i should open up a taco shop...
An old friend
Well latley ive been kinda worried for an old friend named austen, him and his GF who've been together like 3-4 years? broke up, kinda hearing from me and chris talking to him he's been kinda down and dosnt know what much to do, its cool talking to him, im just concerned for him ya know, we suppose to hang out on saturday... im not sure if i should really go since i want to really get everything all straightend out with me and emily...
Photography
Ive been getting into it from my brother... sometimes i just wish he was aorund so we could hang out and take pics or something but he's never here, ive developed about 5 rolls by now, its kinda expensive but its fun. Im still kinda new to it but im getting the hang of it, i really like takeing portraits and stuff, i wish i coudl have more people as like models to take pictures of... nobody seems to really be takeing any intrest in being a model or even my photos much, it kinda makes me a little sad but its all good its understandable that not everyone is into what im into. Im going to take pictures of my new bike and my uncles bike and send them to him, i told him i do so a long time ago, since his bike is woth alot of money being so old and rare now, im sure he'll be happy to see it.
So how are you now?
well im doing alright, just kinda takeing it easy today, i took like a 3 hour nap and ate a good meal, i think i really needed it. Just kinda have this gloom about me over the whole ordeal still thou. Well i gotta use the bathroom now. so im out for now
i hope everyhting will clear up soon, i dont like all these bad feelings, and sadness, i just dont want things to fall apart.
Chao For Now
Hows life right now for me.
well i cant complain, some things could be better, im having my up's and down's alot. I was really excited for this week to begin last weekand and what not, its kinda died down alot almost to the point to where i just want to sleep to waist the day away. Well Emily has her game tomo, ive been looking foward to being there for her cause its also out 10mo aniversery, and then firday, is our prom. We've been kinda mixed up in some conflict i geuss, its kinda hard for myself to keep myself up, since theres not much i can do about my past, cause whats done is dont... theres no turning back, no going back, it cant change... and its not something you can just shake a stick (sorry) at, the most i can do is to just reassure things but its hard to just even talk to her at times, shes at school, busy doing homework, cant hang out on weekdays and kinda hard on weekands too, and she cant be on the phone after a certain time... well ill just have to keep trying... things have been getting the best of me and its brought me to tears for the past few nights, and before i knew what the problem was she wouldnt tell me so i got worried, ill admit ive been looseing sleep for over the week over the ordeal, looseing my appitite too... so a week that i thought would just be amazin is kinda on the down low now, things will get better i hope... im just worried about things well everything falling apart...
So today ive been thinking, i havent been eating much, so i just got one deating a big lunch, idk whats up, i passed up my mom's tacos last night, and the day before i didnt eat breakfast of lunch, but ive been drinking soooo much (no not like alcohol). My parents got some 2 gallons of fruit punch... the first day we got it i practically drank one whole carton at dinner time... and the other day i drank half the 2 gallon jug of green tea in the garage... well i geuss when things are going down i loose my appitite, but since summers rollin round i geuss its good that im drinking so much, and everytime i drink, i drink like mad, like giveing someone who's been out in teh desert a jug of water lol. Well the tacos were good i scarfed them down and now i full, maybe one day i should open up a taco shop...
An old friend
Well latley ive been kinda worried for an old friend named austen, him and his GF who've been together like 3-4 years? broke up, kinda hearing from me and chris talking to him he's been kinda down and dosnt know what much to do, its cool talking to him, im just concerned for him ya know, we suppose to hang out on saturday... im not sure if i should really go since i want to really get everything all straightend out with me and emily...
Photography
Ive been getting into it from my brother... sometimes i just wish he was aorund so we could hang out and take pics or something but he's never here, ive developed about 5 rolls by now, its kinda expensive but its fun. Im still kinda new to it but im getting the hang of it, i really like takeing portraits and stuff, i wish i coudl have more people as like models to take pictures of... nobody seems to really be takeing any intrest in being a model or even my photos much, it kinda makes me a little sad but its all good its understandable that not everyone is into what im into. Im going to take pictures of my new bike and my uncles bike and send them to him, i told him i do so a long time ago, since his bike is woth alot of money being so old and rare now, im sure he'll be happy to see it.
So how are you now?
well im doing alright, just kinda takeing it easy today, i took like a 3 hour nap and ate a good meal, i think i really needed it. Just kinda have this gloom about me over the whole ordeal still thou. Well i gotta use the bathroom now. so im out for now
i hope everyhting will clear up soon, i dont like all these bad feelings, and sadness, i just dont want things to fall apart.
Chao For Now
Monday, April 13, 2009
Love, Confessions, Beliefes, Heart, Mind body and Soul (pieces of my life)
Theres so much on my mind, i havent spoken in ages...
ive felt like i havent ever started living till about sophmore year, and ive gone so fast and now things have started to wind down..
why may you ask i started living so late?
i was shelted, i kept to myself and came out ever so slowly, then, i just started to break away so fast, i was falling away so fast, i changed so much in such little time... i actually belive ive lived more than alot of otheres out there my own age... and when i think to that i dont even think of times before when i didnt live here...
ive had so much, lost so much, learned so much, in just a matter of years... change.. was everywere so fast i adapted, rescessed.
i started off with nothing, not knowing anyhting i wanted in life, then gained to much, became so happy, been through so many downs, and i belive ive fiannly found who i am, ive been through times where i just wanted to go out and live, and ive been through times where i just didnt want to live
but a few things came through, that have been key points duing my change...
in teh very past i dont know where i heard it, but i hated the way girls were treated, and i told myself at a young age, that, i wouldnt do anyhitng bad, i wouldnt hurt a soul like from what i seen, and that i would try and be the greatest love i could be, it was a really big goal for me to find love...
even before that, i remember, all i ever wanted was to be someone of my own, i wanted to be cool, i wanted to have friends, id wish it all the time
i never knew what i wanted to be, i could never think of anyhting i was good at untill recently ive come to terms with things i love to do, and i wish to grow upon them
i was always weak, i wanted to be stronger when i grew up... i learned the hard way, and been throught some humiliation to be who i am now
i love to create... during my years in jr high, there was allways a story that i stuck up to ive created myself... and ongoing story that never ends... of things i fantasize, things ive loved seen, things i wished would happen, adventure romance, tradgidy, ...
this is just scrathching the surface... but everyhting in this, is purely me... im going in...
ill start at the begning... in elementry school... i know i wasnet cool, i was alway the odd one out, i had no style, and i was weak, i was never like any of the other boys... id go home every day and lie to my parents saying i made a new friends, and that we hung out every day... i wanted to be cool, i wasnet too sure aobut haveing a friend, ive never had one before, i never talked to anyone, i never asked for anyhting unless spoken too, i was that shy. Soon time passed by it was the third grade, i still had no friends, i wanted to be cool, and wanted to go and do things... i somehow met oscar, we became friends, its mostly a haze, but with us was out friend angel... i didnt learn his name till next year... cause thats when he became my best friend when oscar wasent around, i first started to get my own style around then too... it was the 90's after all... Nsync and shit was comming around the bend and cargo pants were getting pretty big, and i loved cargo pants when i was little, all these pockets, and they were all loose, and usless, i remember i had 2 pairs i always wore them. Later in the middle of the year a new student came in named jasif (Ha-see-if) and we started talking cause he was in angels class, and i was kinda weirdout by the new commer, but i soon got useto him and we became best friends, just the 3 of us hanging out, we would play soccer and talk about random stuff, and make dirty jokes that proboby werent so dirty. This is when i first went over to a friends house, and had a freidn come over for the first time... i remember going to his house to hang out with him.. i had to be home by like 4 or 5 and we would just sit there and watch tv i thought it was kinda boaring, so i look at his stuff, in his cool room. I decided to bring him over to my place one day, it was the most embaressing thing ever... cause in me and my brothers room, the owners before had winnie the poo painted on teh walls, and i had thomas the tank engine bed sheets and crap... never got new ones... so jasif was laughing at me for having them... i was always a pussy, and didnt see it till one day hanging out at school playing soccer i got hit and started to cry, and jasif and angel, were all asking me if i was ok, and kinda chuckling at me cause i started crying after such a small hit... thats when i decided to be stronger... next thing ya know.. next hit i took, i realized how much easier it was to just take it and keep moveing... theres no more crying allowd for such things anymore...
Time passed, my b-day came rolling around... i was going to have my first party... my friends angel and jasif were gunna be there, and some of their siblings and what not... ive never had a part ever so it was new to me... my brother got me that day my first boom box, he paied, and amazing 10-15$ at the time for it, i was soo impressed at how expensive it was, and questioned how he got it for me... but after seeing it i soon didnt care cause it was mine, but one thing hit me, i didnt listen to music... i thought to myself at teh party when everyone was playing games, who likes music anyways... idk i dont like it so i refuse to like it, ill be like the only cool one to not like it... my grandparents were there, they knew what my brother got me and they got me 2 cd's... ill have to say it was the most pathetic cd's ever... Puff the Magic Dragon, and Celebrateing Friends... i remember trying out my boom box at the time playing those cd's... my friends at the time must have been like WTF man... ask if you couldnt be any more pussy than this... ive only listend to the celebrateing friends cd once, the first track, then i put it away to never listen to it again, and the puff the magic dragon one... well i didnt like that one so i listend to the first few trackes and decided it was garbage and never listned to it again...
6th grade came around...
my parents said we were going to move... i was sad at this thought but happy at the same time cause id be somewhere diffrent... sad in the way that id be without my friends... mainly jasif... i remember bringing a map of the new houseing development to school telling my teacher and friends where i was going to move... it was suppose to be in teh middle of the school year, but they kept pushing it back so we didnt move till about summer... i remember walking home from school one day.. the last day of school... thinking about the future... about what was after 6th grade and that how education should jsut stop and you shoudl be able to do what ever you want, and that i was soo scared of going to jr high/high school, i was scared to grow up and have to work and loose the things i liked to do, but i didnt like to much at the time so idk what the hell i was thinking, i remember thinking... i dont want to live that kind of life... but wait... i want to live to find love... but i dont want to grow up... ohh hell idk if i want to kill myself or keep on going... then walking slowly i passed by my building where my class was, and said goodbye, im noting going to see that place ever again... thats when i checked out this chick for the first time... i remember looking at this preppyish girl ive never payed attention to before in my life, and only noticeing her like 2-3 times throughout the whole year, and i said to myself, shes kinda pretty, in her pink top and tan shorty shorts, wavey brown hair, and i think she had bewbies... BUT WAIT im never comming back her... ill never get a change to know or even talk to her, i cant even remember her damn name... aw shit what was it... ohh man i want to talk to her get to know her, i hate the way in all those shows how girls are mistread and crap i wanna know what its like to be with someone.... ohh well fuck it
well eventually we moved to snowmass lane... in a nearby town... i remember the first day we moved into teh house... i was the first one to get my bed set up and we sat there unpacking till like 10pm and man were me tired... it was kinda odd being in a new home, it had a funny smell... and everything was white... i just remember i got to pick the carpet and countertops lol. So i felt kinda sad cause i missed my friend jasif so i called him a couple times to see what was up... not to often thou... was too shy too... but when we first moved here, my parents decided to get me and my brother, computers for school, BRAND new computers... i felt like soo spoiled at the time cause my parents never spent so much $ on me or my brother before... my brother always seemed to get the best of things... i remember he wanted a mac, and i wanted to pick my computer just like he did, but i didnt get to... my parents got teh cheapest one at walmart when he got to pick out what mac he wanted, what color and model... and not only that but was it way more expensive... by like 2-300$ worth... still to this day he always seems to get the best, but im become simple and dont complain (he got a 100$ toolset today, AND he is COMPLAING ABOUT IT) but yea... back to my life story... there was a problem with his mac so we brought it back, and then they didnt have another one to replace it with so they got him a LAPTOP that was EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE... and i was like aww damn... and we both got to pick out a video game for the computer too... so i spend those times... playing Diablo 2 and getting scared cause it was scarry... and my bro got the sims i think... well yeah school time came aorund i was soo scared to what it would be like... i didnt want to change and grow up and do shit like PE and all that kida crap i didnt know shit about... i remember i was an extream loaner... cause i knew nothing and i had to find all my classes and crap, and that i foregot my schduel but i had this digital planner that had all my classes on it so thats how i survied the first day... i remember being sooo embaressed to even pull it out... lunch time sucked cause i had no friends, and didnt know where to eat, so i ate in front of the school by myself... till one day i was eating lunch at the caffateria for once... this dude was talking about diabo 2 or starcraft or something, and i jumped into the convo, and thats how me and kyle became friends, i met him the next day in teh lunch line and we started hanging out being nerdy, thats also the first time... I PLAYED XBOX. i also started to break away from my stupid habits at this time, i was lazy and didnt do my homeowrk and failed classes and made friends and dirty jokes and what not, and brought friends over more thatn the norm, i still had no style, but i started listning to music, i was relaly big into video games, and my parents would take me and mt bro to the flea market in modesto alot so i got all my video games from there, so that was my life then, i still didnt know what i wanted to be or do when i grew up. and i started buying crap i didnt use or need, like boom boxes and shit, but my brother showed me OCremix and i started listning to remixed video game music, i couldnt sleep without noise so i started listning to cd's in my sleep, they were pluged into that trusy bomb box my brother gave me ohh long ago, it was allways bad, id have my headphones in, and be jammin to som hardcore video game techno and id become unpluged, and then bam it would be soo loud in my room at like 1am and crap, im surprized no1 noticed. its kinda odd to belive i use to do that just on the other side of my room years ago...
Highschool came around i treid to hang with the same friends i useto that ive made in jr high... Kyle, Nathan, Chris A... that didnt work to well... at pitman... kyles sister was a senior so we hung out with her, and chris a, came along with us, and nathan, my best at the time left, i think it was because kyle and chris always made fun of him... i always felt bad, and i think i should have stood up for him more...
but i remember we all got into yu gi oh cards and magic... so we would go and play that at lunch time afer we got our pizza bagles and crap, then teh candy man woul dcome around and id buy everyone candy.. lol heres teh turning point, in the "wookies" class, me and kyle met chris g, who is now ans still my best friend, we sat next to eachoter and talked and what not, and we convinced him to come over to teh art room at lunch to trade some cards baby xD we didnt talk to much, but i started seeing him aorund alot more, and he really became my best friend over time. well i got into emailing... my dad wanted me to email some ladys daughers cause she knew the family, he never gave me teh email.. but i found it on the floor and decied to email her... i freaked the shit outa her cause i was blabbing aorund random stuff and was jsut plain creepy... that was my frist attempt on talking to a girl... i FAIL. Summer came rolling around and i just didnt hang out with anyone... i watched tv and played warcraft 3 and diablo 2 and the sim's all day while watching TLC's what not to wear, animal planet, and when things got really bad it was those creepy baby shows with the women giving birth and crap... i watched what not to wear cause i knew i had no style and i just wanted to be cool... i remember crying ymself to sleep at night cause i wanted to have a style, i wanted to be approachable, i wanted to be cool, like everyone else... at some point in time i got mad, so what i did was air guitar and headbang, and i looked in the mirror and my hair was all fliped out, i was like woa, i found a new hairstyle, no more hair jell and 50's hairstyle for me! and for the hell of it i decied IM NOT GOING TO WEAR MY GLASSES unless i damn right need them so that became my look for a long time...
sophmore year rolled aound i continued like normal, not lieking school failing ect, still playing video games, hanigng with a new croud now, chris and his friends, i brought my friends over kyle and well yeah thats aobut it cause chris a, dissapeared and never came back one day... and bre graduated... but one thing remained... i wanted to find love... little did i know was that this is when i was gunna start liveing and fast...
chris borught over a couple friends, case we were talking about how we wanted to make a band or soemthing, i just started playing guitar, and he wanted me to meet them.. it was austen and jorden... i just remeber them feeling... soo ... BIG, i felt like an inmatture kid to them... around meeting them a new gal came mid school year to my art class who was gunna change my life. I remember laughing at her cause the special ed kid was hitting on her lmao, well she moved seats the next day, and passed me a note, and i stared at if for like 10mins like WTF WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO, so i wrote hi to her and gave it back, i found it a real inconvience thou... case we passed notes back and fourth all the time... and people started questioning me, random girls were like are you guys passing notes? and shit like that... it was weird...
cause she said i looked cute, and asked me stuff like, if i ever had a gf before, and it was awkward, cause i told her i never had, and she told me i looked like someone who's been with ALOTTA girls... i was soo weirded out and happy at the time cause it was the first time someone liked me, i didnt care what she looked like, she liked me, so id walk up to my friends and tell them what happened and they wer elie woa xD it was weird...
at this time... all i know is that it had a certain feel... and i can feel it now as i think about it, a kind of golden feel... that is hard to describe...
well it was odd always talking to her, and giveing her my phone # cause my parents would ask who the hell is calling all the time, and i wouldnt talk long cause id be too embaressed to be talking to her, but i got useto it after awhile... we then got into the habit of calling eachoter everyday several times a day...
i made alot of friends that year too... austen and jorden... we did hella crazy stuff, that i just wasnet useto.. i had this attitude... where i just didnt want to care, but i never broke away at my past feeling, so i was always paranoid... scared to do the things they did, but i was there and enjoying every minute of it, i soon broke my goodie goodie habit, and learned to have fun doing simple things, and even real simple things such as shareing drinks without going paranoid cause it wasent my own, and how to just haf fun and not worrie, ill always remember those time and all teh funny stupid shit we did... and ill always remember this time too cause of the love i had... we went al whole summer without seeing eachoter... i saw her like once... and got in so much toruble for makeing out on my bed... and what not... my mom was soo pissed so was my dad... it was at this time i was starting to explore and it wasnet good.. im real parnoid now.. ive done so much, and almost gotten caught so mant times... i dont always feel comfortalbe now having intamite times and what not...
time went one i made new freinds still had my old ones, and i began to get more into her... i got mad at my freinds cause she made me belive that they were sueing me... so i hung out with her.. ill always remember this time cause i was uncomfortalbe, and it was the first time i was actually kinda getting down... and i knew something was up... something was gunna change... for one i left all my friends so i had no1 but her... that summer we broke up, after being together over a year
times were rought after that, it was the first time i waas depressed, and i didnt want to do anyhintg i couldnt at all, id pace around all day thinking and tyring to call her all the time to get her back... i knew i was jsut getting more annoying so i forced myself to not talk to her... and i remember the last time i hung out with her... i was so upset inside... we were just playing aorund... and she was going out with someone else... so id jokeinly push her aorund onto the couch... secretly i waas pushing her as hard as i could... her cousins thought i was playing, so he treid to tackle me, i got more and more mad inside... we were playing darts,... i thew them so hard, it was scarry, ive never felt so mixed up or confued in my life... i knew at the time i wanted her back... i had no friends and no1 to talk to... so i begged on myspace for help and people to talke to, chris came back to me like the good friend he is, thats how i met kinleigh and julia... i was down so i started hanging with them and his croud.... and i met edgar too... it was the simpsons movie premear... i was texting my lost girl so sad, and we were argueing, and it was so hard to sit still and try and have fun... i did crazy things to keep my mind off everyting... like eat popcorn off edgars crotch and stuff... and while arguieng on texts... she said she wanted me back... and after talking so much... i realized wha ti didnt want to realized, that we dont belong together... it was hard i cried a little there, but i let her go, and moved on... but not really... i was sad cause no1 liked me, and made it a goal to find someone else... big mistake... chris tells me that someone likes me days later... and it waas kinlees friend juila... she saw me on myspace... we talked and went out, she became annoyed of me... and i was all thinking after a couple weeks or les that maybe... shes the ones... ill spend forever... the one to fill the void that was left by my first... i was wrong, should never have someone replace what was taken away, well that went to hell for us, kinlee lost a best friend, and i lost the girl, and many other girls after... ive been thorugh alot of love and love lost...
thats what ive always been about i geuss... love... it plays a big part in my life... yeah im one of those gaga kinda people who is always loveing to be withsomeone... all aobut the love and what not...
but after makeing soo many mistakes ive realized ive become paranoid... cause in teh past in all those ralations ive been thought... mose of them if not all of them...it was all me... i was doing something wrong... it was always me...
i dont like loss ill admit it... espically loseing someone youve become acustom to loveing so much... its heart wrenching...
i know its kinda sad that im all about this kinda romance stuff... but its always kida been me... ive always wanted to find it... and ive found it.. many times... lost it many times... made many mistakes... wanted to get married, wnated to be that one forever... i can almose say.. ive been through it all, and it took me a long time to realize alot of things... and learned so much, and experienced soo much in such little time...
but hows it like now... let me tell you...
friends style stregnth future...
friends i have teh two best freinds ever, thou i feel like im becomming dissconnected to them... they are my best friends..., i have my own style, its been dyeing down a alot fomr what i was senior year... gothic ish... stregnth.. i know im strong, ive just gotten weaker emotionally... and as for my future... i know what i want to do, i just have to get there...
Love and friends...
ive made many friends and lost many, and two have stayed... ive come to realize these are my best friends ever... i hope they stay... and as for love... well its real diffrent from anyone ive ever been with, and i have to say im happy.
my friends have all moved in some way, kinlee with her dad, and chris with his dad also...
i feel disconnected to them...
i feel so bad cause i know i can do sooo much more to hang out with them.. and i feel so bad cause i dont... i just lay here... i could ask my dad to go ther... i could spend the night therei can ask my parents to take me to go see them...
i know i could so soo much more.. i feel bad cause i dont...
so please foregive me...
ive lost my train of though so these last few thoughts may not be as powerful or movied as they origionally predicted to be in my head...
love...
i love my girl with all my heart... ive lost and learned so much in teh past... ive never had anyone like her... having so much fun, and being romatic, just i love it...
im so useto always doing something wrong i think alot of the time, that im doing wrong or i think stupid sutff how you dont want me arround when i should know its not true
i care about you so much i just dont want to mess up or anything like ive done before, i just want to be teh best for you
i just feel like im soo bad sometimes.. thinking bad thoughts, im soo damn needy i dont ever want to hold you back, i want to be there to help you when ever your down and need something, i want to understand you, your soo diffrent from most of everyting i know i dont always understand your songs, your poetry, your ideas, what wrong when your down...
i worry alot when i know i shouldnt be... ya know... stuff lke what if im doing something wrong... or if im hurting you...
i dont ever want to hurt your or makeyou sad or hold you back ever...
i love you so much, i dont think ive ever loved someone as much as you
im looseing my train or thought really bad i cant remember everyhting i wanted to say...
sorry
well remember how i said i have this story...
its always on my mind...
the characters... me...
its soo diffrent... i get to thinking of all kinds of cool things i could do for you Em, and you guys too chris, kinleigh...
id help you guys get jobs homes and car... id just hand it to you... help you guys so much more than i actually could in real life... i wish i could at times, just take you all out and have fun...
and for em... im always thinking so much stupid crap you'd probobly never think of, cause you make me so happy ya know, id be like in teh shower and i know'd you'd be out at church or something i can just imaging being up there playing in a bad in front of everyoone, or in your front lawn for no reason, driveing you around takeing you places, introduceing you to people who would become good friends to you...
soo much stuff i know i cant be though sometimes i wish i could do for you all
foregive me, im weak lazy and anal at times...
im soo strong in my dreams... sometimes i wish i could pull thoguht for you guys
theres probobly alot i skiped thought... i cant remember them righ tnow im tired and lost my train of thought,...
sorry...
ive felt like i havent ever started living till about sophmore year, and ive gone so fast and now things have started to wind down..
why may you ask i started living so late?
i was shelted, i kept to myself and came out ever so slowly, then, i just started to break away so fast, i was falling away so fast, i changed so much in such little time... i actually belive ive lived more than alot of otheres out there my own age... and when i think to that i dont even think of times before when i didnt live here...
ive had so much, lost so much, learned so much, in just a matter of years... change.. was everywere so fast i adapted, rescessed.
i started off with nothing, not knowing anyhting i wanted in life, then gained to much, became so happy, been through so many downs, and i belive ive fiannly found who i am, ive been through times where i just wanted to go out and live, and ive been through times where i just didnt want to live
but a few things came through, that have been key points duing my change...
in teh very past i dont know where i heard it, but i hated the way girls were treated, and i told myself at a young age, that, i wouldnt do anyhitng bad, i wouldnt hurt a soul like from what i seen, and that i would try and be the greatest love i could be, it was a really big goal for me to find love...
even before that, i remember, all i ever wanted was to be someone of my own, i wanted to be cool, i wanted to have friends, id wish it all the time
i never knew what i wanted to be, i could never think of anyhting i was good at untill recently ive come to terms with things i love to do, and i wish to grow upon them
i was always weak, i wanted to be stronger when i grew up... i learned the hard way, and been throught some humiliation to be who i am now
i love to create... during my years in jr high, there was allways a story that i stuck up to ive created myself... and ongoing story that never ends... of things i fantasize, things ive loved seen, things i wished would happen, adventure romance, tradgidy, ...
this is just scrathching the surface... but everyhting in this, is purely me... im going in...
ill start at the begning... in elementry school... i know i wasnet cool, i was alway the odd one out, i had no style, and i was weak, i was never like any of the other boys... id go home every day and lie to my parents saying i made a new friends, and that we hung out every day... i wanted to be cool, i wasnet too sure aobut haveing a friend, ive never had one before, i never talked to anyone, i never asked for anyhting unless spoken too, i was that shy. Soon time passed by it was the third grade, i still had no friends, i wanted to be cool, and wanted to go and do things... i somehow met oscar, we became friends, its mostly a haze, but with us was out friend angel... i didnt learn his name till next year... cause thats when he became my best friend when oscar wasent around, i first started to get my own style around then too... it was the 90's after all... Nsync and shit was comming around the bend and cargo pants were getting pretty big, and i loved cargo pants when i was little, all these pockets, and they were all loose, and usless, i remember i had 2 pairs i always wore them. Later in the middle of the year a new student came in named jasif (Ha-see-if) and we started talking cause he was in angels class, and i was kinda weirdout by the new commer, but i soon got useto him and we became best friends, just the 3 of us hanging out, we would play soccer and talk about random stuff, and make dirty jokes that proboby werent so dirty. This is when i first went over to a friends house, and had a freidn come over for the first time... i remember going to his house to hang out with him.. i had to be home by like 4 or 5 and we would just sit there and watch tv i thought it was kinda boaring, so i look at his stuff, in his cool room. I decided to bring him over to my place one day, it was the most embaressing thing ever... cause in me and my brothers room, the owners before had winnie the poo painted on teh walls, and i had thomas the tank engine bed sheets and crap... never got new ones... so jasif was laughing at me for having them... i was always a pussy, and didnt see it till one day hanging out at school playing soccer i got hit and started to cry, and jasif and angel, were all asking me if i was ok, and kinda chuckling at me cause i started crying after such a small hit... thats when i decided to be stronger... next thing ya know.. next hit i took, i realized how much easier it was to just take it and keep moveing... theres no more crying allowd for such things anymore...
Time passed, my b-day came rolling around... i was going to have my first party... my friends angel and jasif were gunna be there, and some of their siblings and what not... ive never had a part ever so it was new to me... my brother got me that day my first boom box, he paied, and amazing 10-15$ at the time for it, i was soo impressed at how expensive it was, and questioned how he got it for me... but after seeing it i soon didnt care cause it was mine, but one thing hit me, i didnt listen to music... i thought to myself at teh party when everyone was playing games, who likes music anyways... idk i dont like it so i refuse to like it, ill be like the only cool one to not like it... my grandparents were there, they knew what my brother got me and they got me 2 cd's... ill have to say it was the most pathetic cd's ever... Puff the Magic Dragon, and Celebrateing Friends... i remember trying out my boom box at the time playing those cd's... my friends at the time must have been like WTF man... ask if you couldnt be any more pussy than this... ive only listend to the celebrateing friends cd once, the first track, then i put it away to never listen to it again, and the puff the magic dragon one... well i didnt like that one so i listend to the first few trackes and decided it was garbage and never listned to it again...
6th grade came around...
my parents said we were going to move... i was sad at this thought but happy at the same time cause id be somewhere diffrent... sad in the way that id be without my friends... mainly jasif... i remember bringing a map of the new houseing development to school telling my teacher and friends where i was going to move... it was suppose to be in teh middle of the school year, but they kept pushing it back so we didnt move till about summer... i remember walking home from school one day.. the last day of school... thinking about the future... about what was after 6th grade and that how education should jsut stop and you shoudl be able to do what ever you want, and that i was soo scared of going to jr high/high school, i was scared to grow up and have to work and loose the things i liked to do, but i didnt like to much at the time so idk what the hell i was thinking, i remember thinking... i dont want to live that kind of life... but wait... i want to live to find love... but i dont want to grow up... ohh hell idk if i want to kill myself or keep on going... then walking slowly i passed by my building where my class was, and said goodbye, im noting going to see that place ever again... thats when i checked out this chick for the first time... i remember looking at this preppyish girl ive never payed attention to before in my life, and only noticeing her like 2-3 times throughout the whole year, and i said to myself, shes kinda pretty, in her pink top and tan shorty shorts, wavey brown hair, and i think she had bewbies... BUT WAIT im never comming back her... ill never get a change to know or even talk to her, i cant even remember her damn name... aw shit what was it... ohh man i want to talk to her get to know her, i hate the way in all those shows how girls are mistread and crap i wanna know what its like to be with someone.... ohh well fuck it
well eventually we moved to snowmass lane... in a nearby town... i remember the first day we moved into teh house... i was the first one to get my bed set up and we sat there unpacking till like 10pm and man were me tired... it was kinda odd being in a new home, it had a funny smell... and everything was white... i just remember i got to pick the carpet and countertops lol. So i felt kinda sad cause i missed my friend jasif so i called him a couple times to see what was up... not to often thou... was too shy too... but when we first moved here, my parents decided to get me and my brother, computers for school, BRAND new computers... i felt like soo spoiled at the time cause my parents never spent so much $ on me or my brother before... my brother always seemed to get the best of things... i remember he wanted a mac, and i wanted to pick my computer just like he did, but i didnt get to... my parents got teh cheapest one at walmart when he got to pick out what mac he wanted, what color and model... and not only that but was it way more expensive... by like 2-300$ worth... still to this day he always seems to get the best, but im become simple and dont complain (he got a 100$ toolset today, AND he is COMPLAING ABOUT IT) but yea... back to my life story... there was a problem with his mac so we brought it back, and then they didnt have another one to replace it with so they got him a LAPTOP that was EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE... and i was like aww damn... and we both got to pick out a video game for the computer too... so i spend those times... playing Diablo 2 and getting scared cause it was scarry... and my bro got the sims i think... well yeah school time came aorund i was soo scared to what it would be like... i didnt want to change and grow up and do shit like PE and all that kida crap i didnt know shit about... i remember i was an extream loaner... cause i knew nothing and i had to find all my classes and crap, and that i foregot my schduel but i had this digital planner that had all my classes on it so thats how i survied the first day... i remember being sooo embaressed to even pull it out... lunch time sucked cause i had no friends, and didnt know where to eat, so i ate in front of the school by myself... till one day i was eating lunch at the caffateria for once... this dude was talking about diabo 2 or starcraft or something, and i jumped into the convo, and thats how me and kyle became friends, i met him the next day in teh lunch line and we started hanging out being nerdy, thats also the first time... I PLAYED XBOX. i also started to break away from my stupid habits at this time, i was lazy and didnt do my homeowrk and failed classes and made friends and dirty jokes and what not, and brought friends over more thatn the norm, i still had no style, but i started listning to music, i was relaly big into video games, and my parents would take me and mt bro to the flea market in modesto alot so i got all my video games from there, so that was my life then, i still didnt know what i wanted to be or do when i grew up. and i started buying crap i didnt use or need, like boom boxes and shit, but my brother showed me OCremix and i started listning to remixed video game music, i couldnt sleep without noise so i started listning to cd's in my sleep, they were pluged into that trusy bomb box my brother gave me ohh long ago, it was allways bad, id have my headphones in, and be jammin to som hardcore video game techno and id become unpluged, and then bam it would be soo loud in my room at like 1am and crap, im surprized no1 noticed. its kinda odd to belive i use to do that just on the other side of my room years ago...
Highschool came around i treid to hang with the same friends i useto that ive made in jr high... Kyle, Nathan, Chris A... that didnt work to well... at pitman... kyles sister was a senior so we hung out with her, and chris a, came along with us, and nathan, my best at the time left, i think it was because kyle and chris always made fun of him... i always felt bad, and i think i should have stood up for him more...
but i remember we all got into yu gi oh cards and magic... so we would go and play that at lunch time afer we got our pizza bagles and crap, then teh candy man woul dcome around and id buy everyone candy.. lol heres teh turning point, in the "wookies" class, me and kyle met chris g, who is now ans still my best friend, we sat next to eachoter and talked and what not, and we convinced him to come over to teh art room at lunch to trade some cards baby xD we didnt talk to much, but i started seeing him aorund alot more, and he really became my best friend over time. well i got into emailing... my dad wanted me to email some ladys daughers cause she knew the family, he never gave me teh email.. but i found it on the floor and decied to email her... i freaked the shit outa her cause i was blabbing aorund random stuff and was jsut plain creepy... that was my frist attempt on talking to a girl... i FAIL. Summer came rolling around and i just didnt hang out with anyone... i watched tv and played warcraft 3 and diablo 2 and the sim's all day while watching TLC's what not to wear, animal planet, and when things got really bad it was those creepy baby shows with the women giving birth and crap... i watched what not to wear cause i knew i had no style and i just wanted to be cool... i remember crying ymself to sleep at night cause i wanted to have a style, i wanted to be approachable, i wanted to be cool, like everyone else... at some point in time i got mad, so what i did was air guitar and headbang, and i looked in the mirror and my hair was all fliped out, i was like woa, i found a new hairstyle, no more hair jell and 50's hairstyle for me! and for the hell of it i decied IM NOT GOING TO WEAR MY GLASSES unless i damn right need them so that became my look for a long time...
sophmore year rolled aound i continued like normal, not lieking school failing ect, still playing video games, hanigng with a new croud now, chris and his friends, i brought my friends over kyle and well yeah thats aobut it cause chris a, dissapeared and never came back one day... and bre graduated... but one thing remained... i wanted to find love... little did i know was that this is when i was gunna start liveing and fast...
chris borught over a couple friends, case we were talking about how we wanted to make a band or soemthing, i just started playing guitar, and he wanted me to meet them.. it was austen and jorden... i just remeber them feeling... soo ... BIG, i felt like an inmatture kid to them... around meeting them a new gal came mid school year to my art class who was gunna change my life. I remember laughing at her cause the special ed kid was hitting on her lmao, well she moved seats the next day, and passed me a note, and i stared at if for like 10mins like WTF WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO, so i wrote hi to her and gave it back, i found it a real inconvience thou... case we passed notes back and fourth all the time... and people started questioning me, random girls were like are you guys passing notes? and shit like that... it was weird...
cause she said i looked cute, and asked me stuff like, if i ever had a gf before, and it was awkward, cause i told her i never had, and she told me i looked like someone who's been with ALOTTA girls... i was soo weirded out and happy at the time cause it was the first time someone liked me, i didnt care what she looked like, she liked me, so id walk up to my friends and tell them what happened and they wer elie woa xD it was weird...
at this time... all i know is that it had a certain feel... and i can feel it now as i think about it, a kind of golden feel... that is hard to describe...
well it was odd always talking to her, and giveing her my phone # cause my parents would ask who the hell is calling all the time, and i wouldnt talk long cause id be too embaressed to be talking to her, but i got useto it after awhile... we then got into the habit of calling eachoter everyday several times a day...
i made alot of friends that year too... austen and jorden... we did hella crazy stuff, that i just wasnet useto.. i had this attitude... where i just didnt want to care, but i never broke away at my past feeling, so i was always paranoid... scared to do the things they did, but i was there and enjoying every minute of it, i soon broke my goodie goodie habit, and learned to have fun doing simple things, and even real simple things such as shareing drinks without going paranoid cause it wasent my own, and how to just haf fun and not worrie, ill always remember those time and all teh funny stupid shit we did... and ill always remember this time too cause of the love i had... we went al whole summer without seeing eachoter... i saw her like once... and got in so much toruble for makeing out on my bed... and what not... my mom was soo pissed so was my dad... it was at this time i was starting to explore and it wasnet good.. im real parnoid now.. ive done so much, and almost gotten caught so mant times... i dont always feel comfortalbe now having intamite times and what not...
time went one i made new freinds still had my old ones, and i began to get more into her... i got mad at my freinds cause she made me belive that they were sueing me... so i hung out with her.. ill always remember this time cause i was uncomfortalbe, and it was the first time i was actually kinda getting down... and i knew something was up... something was gunna change... for one i left all my friends so i had no1 but her... that summer we broke up, after being together over a year
times were rought after that, it was the first time i waas depressed, and i didnt want to do anyhintg i couldnt at all, id pace around all day thinking and tyring to call her all the time to get her back... i knew i was jsut getting more annoying so i forced myself to not talk to her... and i remember the last time i hung out with her... i was so upset inside... we were just playing aorund... and she was going out with someone else... so id jokeinly push her aorund onto the couch... secretly i waas pushing her as hard as i could... her cousins thought i was playing, so he treid to tackle me, i got more and more mad inside... we were playing darts,... i thew them so hard, it was scarry, ive never felt so mixed up or confued in my life... i knew at the time i wanted her back... i had no friends and no1 to talk to... so i begged on myspace for help and people to talke to, chris came back to me like the good friend he is, thats how i met kinleigh and julia... i was down so i started hanging with them and his croud.... and i met edgar too... it was the simpsons movie premear... i was texting my lost girl so sad, and we were argueing, and it was so hard to sit still and try and have fun... i did crazy things to keep my mind off everyting... like eat popcorn off edgars crotch and stuff... and while arguieng on texts... she said she wanted me back... and after talking so much... i realized wha ti didnt want to realized, that we dont belong together... it was hard i cried a little there, but i let her go, and moved on... but not really... i was sad cause no1 liked me, and made it a goal to find someone else... big mistake... chris tells me that someone likes me days later... and it waas kinlees friend juila... she saw me on myspace... we talked and went out, she became annoyed of me... and i was all thinking after a couple weeks or les that maybe... shes the ones... ill spend forever... the one to fill the void that was left by my first... i was wrong, should never have someone replace what was taken away, well that went to hell for us, kinlee lost a best friend, and i lost the girl, and many other girls after... ive been thorugh alot of love and love lost...
thats what ive always been about i geuss... love... it plays a big part in my life... yeah im one of those gaga kinda people who is always loveing to be withsomeone... all aobut the love and what not...
but after makeing soo many mistakes ive realized ive become paranoid... cause in teh past in all those ralations ive been thought... mose of them if not all of them...it was all me... i was doing something wrong... it was always me...
i dont like loss ill admit it... espically loseing someone youve become acustom to loveing so much... its heart wrenching...
i know its kinda sad that im all about this kinda romance stuff... but its always kida been me... ive always wanted to find it... and ive found it.. many times... lost it many times... made many mistakes... wanted to get married, wnated to be that one forever... i can almose say.. ive been through it all, and it took me a long time to realize alot of things... and learned so much, and experienced soo much in such little time...
but hows it like now... let me tell you...
friends style stregnth future...
friends i have teh two best freinds ever, thou i feel like im becomming dissconnected to them... they are my best friends..., i have my own style, its been dyeing down a alot fomr what i was senior year... gothic ish... stregnth.. i know im strong, ive just gotten weaker emotionally... and as for my future... i know what i want to do, i just have to get there...
Love and friends...
ive made many friends and lost many, and two have stayed... ive come to realize these are my best friends ever... i hope they stay... and as for love... well its real diffrent from anyone ive ever been with, and i have to say im happy.
my friends have all moved in some way, kinlee with her dad, and chris with his dad also...
i feel disconnected to them...
i feel so bad cause i know i can do sooo much more to hang out with them.. and i feel so bad cause i dont... i just lay here... i could ask my dad to go ther... i could spend the night therei can ask my parents to take me to go see them...
i know i could so soo much more.. i feel bad cause i dont...
so please foregive me...
ive lost my train of though so these last few thoughts may not be as powerful or movied as they origionally predicted to be in my head...
love...
i love my girl with all my heart... ive lost and learned so much in teh past... ive never had anyone like her... having so much fun, and being romatic, just i love it...
im so useto always doing something wrong i think alot of the time, that im doing wrong or i think stupid sutff how you dont want me arround when i should know its not true
i care about you so much i just dont want to mess up or anything like ive done before, i just want to be teh best for you
i just feel like im soo bad sometimes.. thinking bad thoughts, im soo damn needy i dont ever want to hold you back, i want to be there to help you when ever your down and need something, i want to understand you, your soo diffrent from most of everyting i know i dont always understand your songs, your poetry, your ideas, what wrong when your down...
i worry alot when i know i shouldnt be... ya know... stuff lke what if im doing something wrong... or if im hurting you...
i dont ever want to hurt your or makeyou sad or hold you back ever...
i love you so much, i dont think ive ever loved someone as much as you
im looseing my train or thought really bad i cant remember everyhting i wanted to say...
sorry
well remember how i said i have this story...
its always on my mind...
the characters... me...
its soo diffrent... i get to thinking of all kinds of cool things i could do for you Em, and you guys too chris, kinleigh...
id help you guys get jobs homes and car... id just hand it to you... help you guys so much more than i actually could in real life... i wish i could at times, just take you all out and have fun...
and for em... im always thinking so much stupid crap you'd probobly never think of, cause you make me so happy ya know, id be like in teh shower and i know'd you'd be out at church or something i can just imaging being up there playing in a bad in front of everyoone, or in your front lawn for no reason, driveing you around takeing you places, introduceing you to people who would become good friends to you...
soo much stuff i know i cant be though sometimes i wish i could do for you all
foregive me, im weak lazy and anal at times...
im soo strong in my dreams... sometimes i wish i could pull thoguht for you guys
theres probobly alot i skiped thought... i cant remember them righ tnow im tired and lost my train of thought,...
sorry...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Its going to be awhile
Ive been kinda down latley, as time passed i never had friends, then i made some, then i had more than i could handle, and everythings all settled down to my last, theres only a few people left in my life so far, and its been kinda bumming me down, thats why also ive gotten so down over another friend before, its cause i dont have many, and when you get close to someone so fast as a friend, then it blows up in your face, well it takes some time to realize things, and well if you dont know me... it takes me a long time to realize things sometimes, just for being the dumbass i am sometimes. Well im feeling just kinda down and hopeless, its kinda hard to see my two best friends now, i feel like im drifting apart from them or something, heh kinlee's step mum, Bonnith The Obliterator hates me cause shes thinks im a thief... how the hell that happens i dont know... i cant even remember, but i heard it was over a joke and she believed it. and well for Chris, he's my best bud, he's in modesto now, i dont have a liscence nor dose he, so its hard to see eachother, im just really sad, they are the only ones i could really hang out with, well i just kinda feel like i have not much of anyhitng, and thought ya know maybe this gives me a chance to get closer to my brother, but i was wrong, i wish i could hang with him, i wish i could hang out with my friends, i wish i could hang out with emily...
last time i treid to chill with my brother i asked if i could come with him, he shut the door nd left the house, as i stood in the hallway just spaceing out till i could hear his engine start up, i knew it was the honda, then i heard it drive off.
im just really down, i feel kinda pointless and at a loss here, but im sure things will get better...
so i geuss what you could say is, im going through alot even though its not much, im getting down over alot of things, some things i shouldnt be thinking, and i should know better, reassurence... and i feel like i could be doing better, and im not helping anyone around me, i feel like a neuscence and makeing all kinds of bad calls.
i dont know what else to say, i just want to thank chris and kinlee for being the best friends i have, and my girl emily, it makes me happy just to know that your mine, i jus t dont want to drag your espically or anyone else down.
well im out, im gunna grab a drink and shed some tears, ill be back.
Cheers...
last time i treid to chill with my brother i asked if i could come with him, he shut the door nd left the house, as i stood in the hallway just spaceing out till i could hear his engine start up, i knew it was the honda, then i heard it drive off.
im just really down, i feel kinda pointless and at a loss here, but im sure things will get better...
so i geuss what you could say is, im going through alot even though its not much, im getting down over alot of things, some things i shouldnt be thinking, and i should know better, reassurence... and i feel like i could be doing better, and im not helping anyone around me, i feel like a neuscence and makeing all kinds of bad calls.
i dont know what else to say, i just want to thank chris and kinlee for being the best friends i have, and my girl emily, it makes me happy just to know that your mine, i jus t dont want to drag your espically or anyone else down.
well im out, im gunna grab a drink and shed some tears, ill be back.
Cheers...
I dont want to believe it
I dont want to believe it.
theres two sides of me
one in its place, the other putting my other half in its place.
i dont want to believe it when it says
the worlds a harsh place, and almost every being in it, dose what it can to benifit themselves and themselves alone, thus leading to the fact that, some people just dont give a damn.
i dont want to believe it
theres two sides of me
one in its place, the other putting my other half in its place.
i dont want to believe it when it says
the worlds a harsh place, and almost every being in it, dose what it can to benifit themselves and themselves alone, thus leading to the fact that, some people just dont give a damn.
i dont want to believe it
Friday, March 27, 2009
Afterthought
I always feel like im doing something wrong, a constant guilt, i honesstly dont think im all that good a person, i have many flaws and make many mistakes that can hurt people, or am i just thinking that...
who knows... all i know is, sometiems i cant accept this reflection when i look into the mirrior...
i dont feel like im doing anyone any good, but harm...
and thats what i worrie about...
i geuss im moody...
who knows... all i know is, sometiems i cant accept this reflection when i look into the mirrior...
i dont feel like im doing anyone any good, but harm...
and thats what i worrie about...
i geuss im moody...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Always Be My Baby
Well at times, i find the words hard to say, hard to come to mind, all i have are a list of songs, and a warm feeling, so heres a little here...
She plays a big roll in my life, i love her so much, i hope to be with her for as long as possible, and i hope that nothign bad ever comes between us, what more than can i say that i love her.
Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
Of course!
What is there name?
Emily Barret Grant
Do you have a pet name for them?
My Cute Dieing Sea Animal, Emm, Beautiful, Beautiful Italian Princess, Stinky, and Smelly, occasionally i call her sexy.
If so, How did they get it?
lol the first one, she was makeing a cute funny noise so i told her she sounded like a cute dieing sea animal.
What's the one thing that you love the most about this person?
Everything, i love just holding her close, it really makes me happy knowing she cares n loves me and what not
What's the one thing that you want to change about this person?
Her parents? make them more lenient, so she could come over more xD idk
Is there anything that you hate about this person?
Her 80's sweats!
lol naw
What made you like this person?
i geuss the fact i wasent compleatly sure if she liked me back, and i wanted to find out, and i got to know her, and shes Captivateingly Beatuiful.
What do you like most on there body?
Haha everything, mostly just to look her in the eyes, and to feel her so close, i dont think ive ever held someone soo close.
Whats the first thing you saw on this person(physicaly)?
Smile, and makeup on her face on her default.
How do you truely feel about this person?
I love her so much, more than anyhting, she means alot to me, i dont think she knows how much of a big roll she plays in my life, and i just want her to know i love her.
If you had one day, just the two of you, what would you wanna do with this person?
Haha i want to go to the beach with her, we can loaf around, be weird and play in the water, and have some nice intimate time or somehting after.
Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with this person?
Thats what im really hopeing for.
If so, are you sure? and Why?
im sure lol, i love her, what more can i say, she wont get off my mind, so i want her to stay, i want to stay with her, and as stalkerish as it sounds, wherever she goes in life, i want to be there with her.
Do you think you will ever fall out of love with this person?
I really dont think so im attached to her.
What do you like when you talk to this person?
i like just talking to her, or having long conversations and story telling, or just being intimate.
How do they make you feel?
Loved
Would you ever leave this person when they needed you the most?
No, i try to be there whenever she needs me, but i dont really have the freedom to call or be there all the time when somethings wrong.
Boy's only: If you got the girl pregnant would you leave her or stay with her? Duh
Do you two have a song?
i dont think so xD
If so what is it?
N/A
Is there another song that makes you think about them?
many
Would you have sex with this person?
One Day maybe
If you you still have your v-card would you lose it to this person?
:[ feel bad i waisted it, i have nothing special to offer, but a used one
If you get married are you going to do it right then and there or wait?
lol i dont know
Is there something that you think the other person doesn't get?
i honestly dont know
Why would you wanna be with this person for ever?
because i love her, and i can just kinda see us going somewhere in the future
Is it a good thing that they came in to your life?
Very Much So
Are they your angel or devil?
shes a cute dieing sea animal <3
Last but not least, How much do you care about this person?
More that anyhting i can possibly think of.
She plays a big roll in my life, i love her so much, i hope to be with her for as long as possible, and i hope that nothign bad ever comes between us, what more than can i say that i love her.
Do you have a Boyfriend/
Of course!
What is there name?
Emily Barret Grant
Do you have a pet name for them?
My Cute Dieing Sea Animal, Emm, Beautiful, Beautiful Italian Princess, Stinky, and Smelly, occasionally i call her sexy.
If so, How did they get it?
lol the first one, she was makeing a cute funny noise so i told her she sounded like a cute dieing sea animal.
What's the one thing that you love the most about this person?
Everything, i love just holding her close, it really makes me happy knowing she cares n loves me and what not
What's the one thing that you want to change about this person?
Her parents? make them more lenient, so she could come over more xD idk
Is there anything that you hate about this person?
Her 80's sweats!
lol naw
What made you like this person?
i geuss the fact i wasent compleatly sure if she liked me back, and i wanted to find out, and i got to know her, and shes Captivateingly Beatuiful.
What do you like most on there body?
Haha everything, mostly just to look her in the eyes, and to feel her so close, i dont think ive ever held someone soo close.
Whats the first thing you saw on this person(
Smile, and makeup on her face on her default.
How do you truely feel about this person?
I love her so much, more than anyhting, she means alot to me, i dont think she knows how much of a big roll she plays in my life, and i just want her to know i love her.
If you had one day, just the two of you, what would you wanna do with this person?
Haha i want to go to the beach with her, we can loaf around, be weird and play in the water, and have some nice intimate time or somehting after.
Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with this person?
Thats what im really hopeing for.
If so, are you sure? and Why?
im sure lol, i love her, what more can i say, she wont get off my mind, so i want her to stay, i want to stay with her, and as stalkerish as it sounds, wherever she goes in life, i want to be there with her.
Do you think you will ever fall out of love with this person?
I really dont think so im attached to her.
What do you like when you talk to this person?
i like just talking to her, or having long conversations and story telling, or just being intimate.
How do they make you feel?
Loved
Would you ever leave this person when they needed you the most?
No, i try to be there whenever she needs me, but i dont really have the freedom to call or be there all the time when somethings wrong.
Boy's only: If you got the girl pregnant would you leave her or stay with her? Duh
Do you two have a song?
i dont think so xD
If so what is it?
N/A
Is there another song that makes you think about them?
many
Would you have sex with this person?
One Day maybe
If you you still have your v-card would you lose it to this person?
:[ feel bad i waisted it, i have nothing special to offer, but a used one
If you get married are you going to do it right then and there or wait?
lol i dont know
Is there something that you think the other person doesn't get?
i honestly dont know
Why would you wanna be with this person for ever?
because i love her, and i can just kinda see us going somewhere in the future
Is it a good thing that they came in to your life?
Very Much So
Are they your angel or devil?
shes a cute dieing sea animal <3
Last but not least, How much do you care about this person?
More that anyhting i can possibly think of.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Afterthough
Upon resting my head before i lay myself to sleep...
ive come to realize im too mushy deep and all that fucking shit, all the shit that becomes annoying, pathetic, and pointless at times.
So heres my after thought, normally... i would kill just know what, some people think of me, what goes on inside their minds, what they think about when they think of me, their intentions ect. i wonder also what the future would hold for me... i am weak, i dont know what i do is right or wrong i just go... so ya know... thats why sometimes i wish i knew what some people would think of my actions... and what my actions will bring me in the future...
i wonder if ill still see my friends faces i see now in my future... what ill be doing... what we'll be doing... if we'll still act the same... will i give up alot of things just to be "grown up" just the plain fact will i still see the friends i love as time goes by, or will we treak our diffrent paths. Mostly i wonder though, if in the future, when my day will i wont feel a cold, empty lonely space, or will i be laying next to her...
i dont have much more to say let alone much to belive in... ill make my wishes... in hopes someone will be listning at 11:11...
ive come to realize im too mushy deep and all that fucking shit, all the shit that becomes annoying, pathetic, and pointless at times.
So heres my after thought, normally... i would kill just know what, some people think of me, what goes on inside their minds, what they think about when they think of me, their intentions ect. i wonder also what the future would hold for me... i am weak, i dont know what i do is right or wrong i just go... so ya know... thats why sometimes i wish i knew what some people would think of my actions... and what my actions will bring me in the future...
i wonder if ill still see my friends faces i see now in my future... what ill be doing... what we'll be doing... if we'll still act the same... will i give up alot of things just to be "grown up" just the plain fact will i still see the friends i love as time goes by, or will we treak our diffrent paths. Mostly i wonder though, if in the future, when my day will i wont feel a cold, empty lonely space, or will i be laying next to her...
i dont have much more to say let alone much to belive in... ill make my wishes... in hopes someone will be listning at 11:11...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Ive Come To Realize...
after all that was said and done, everyone is fine, but for me, its kinda a diffrent story...
i still feel bad, im still scared, worse yet,
after all that was said and done, i have a diffrent view on myself... i dont really believe in myself anymore...
and i dont think anyone really believes in me, not after all that...
i kinda feel alone...
i still feel bad, im still scared, worse yet,
after all that was said and done, i have a diffrent view on myself... i dont really believe in myself anymore...
and i dont think anyone really believes in me, not after all that...
i kinda feel alone...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Unable to dream under you eyes
it hits me... i was unable to dream under your eyes...
you hit me everyday, make my mind wonder and think about all the things you have said, all the sins you belive i have done, things that i dont even know about at times...
i am your devil, the one you compared to the ones you hate, face to face, taking the place of your devils face...
nothing left but to take a seat besides them, and become on of them, ridiculed for all the things they have done... never and unable to be forgiven...
i am not happy in this place you put me,...
it strikes me so often...
i can hardly come to terms of myself at times, with all this guilt and sin you have place upon me shoulders for me to bear, i dont not know why i am here...
have i been misplaced?
or am i takeing on the face of your devil...
souless, futurelee, pointless, the definition of wrong, a monster, unable to be seen, only to have been told about, unable to be... upon this plane...
unable to dream under your eyes... it was so wrong... nothing was ever right under your eyes...
i cannot have passion, i cannot have pleasue, i cannot love, i cannot have enjoyment... without your concent...
at times... i still feel that way...
but it is perfectly fine for you to have passion, pleasure, love, enjoyment...
and espically if i provide some of these for you...
a slave, i bowed to serve...
i have broken away... yet...
you have gone, but you have left an imprint, something i feel i have to live up to... prove you wrong... undo the sins you have acused me for...
i still feel like i am under your eyes...
for now...
i am the devil, your devil... Hated By Hatred itself, wanted by none, left to face this sin alone...
i feel the guilt...
i am the monster, the devil.
and theres nothing i nor anyone else can do about it but
Take the hit
you hit me everyday, make my mind wonder and think about all the things you have said, all the sins you belive i have done, things that i dont even know about at times...
i am your devil, the one you compared to the ones you hate, face to face, taking the place of your devils face...
nothing left but to take a seat besides them, and become on of them, ridiculed for all the things they have done... never and unable to be forgiven...
i am not happy in this place you put me,...
it strikes me so often...
i can hardly come to terms of myself at times, with all this guilt and sin you have place upon me shoulders for me to bear, i dont not know why i am here...
have i been misplaced?
or am i takeing on the face of your devil...
souless, futurelee, pointless, the definition of wrong, a monster, unable to be seen, only to have been told about, unable to be... upon this plane...
unable to dream under your eyes... it was so wrong... nothing was ever right under your eyes...
i cannot have passion, i cannot have pleasue, i cannot love, i cannot have enjoyment... without your concent...
at times... i still feel that way...
but it is perfectly fine for you to have passion, pleasure, love, enjoyment...
and espically if i provide some of these for you...
a slave, i bowed to serve...
i have broken away... yet...
you have gone, but you have left an imprint, something i feel i have to live up to... prove you wrong... undo the sins you have acused me for...
i still feel like i am under your eyes...
for now...
i am the devil, your devil... Hated By Hatred itself, wanted by none, left to face this sin alone...
i feel the guilt...
i am the monster, the devil.
and theres nothing i nor anyone else can do about it but
Take the hit
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Cant help...
i cant help but let the things you said get to me...
i geuss i still belive in you like a good friend should...
well i geuss im letting everyhting you said get to me cuase it hits me hard, just hearing fmor you that everyhtng in fact is myfault, i feel really guily, and theres so much more you said that i cant even begin to get into
im breaking down soo bad, and i just wish i could tlak to someone, and just know everything is going to be ok...
but ive got no1 to even talk to or anyhitng right now, so i geuss im flying solo, i dont have much of anyhitng to grasp onto in this current situation i feel soo helpless like the onlyhting i can do that feels right it so cry, something comforting would be nice...
but i geuss i shouldnt let what other people say get me down... well im already down as far as i can go the only way left to go is up... problem is getting up for me, i dont know how anyone would even move with so much guil on their shoulders let alone other things, she hit the heart...
and plus no1 like somone who is negative and down right...
i just wish i could tlak to her or somebody... i feel soo helpless just breakingdown
i geuss i still belive in you like a good friend should...
well i geuss im letting everyhting you said get to me cuase it hits me hard, just hearing fmor you that everyhtng in fact is myfault, i feel really guily, and theres so much more you said that i cant even begin to get into
im breaking down soo bad, and i just wish i could tlak to someone, and just know everything is going to be ok...
but ive got no1 to even talk to or anyhitng right now, so i geuss im flying solo, i dont have much of anyhitng to grasp onto in this current situation i feel soo helpless like the onlyhting i can do that feels right it so cry, something comforting would be nice...
but i geuss i shouldnt let what other people say get me down... well im already down as far as i can go the only way left to go is up... problem is getting up for me, i dont know how anyone would even move with so much guil on their shoulders let alone other things, she hit the heart...
and plus no1 like somone who is negative and down right...
i just wish i could tlak to her or somebody... i feel soo helpless just breakingdown
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
You've Got Me
By the Heart...
By the neck...
where it all hurts the most....
all i ask... for someone anyone to just hear mean dammit
belive in me
havent been this hurt or cried this hard before...
yeah.. im weak... im insecure...
im broken...
i just wish i could atleast have someone listen to me... atleast listen to the song...........
never felt so guilt, never felt like such a failure...
you've got me...
By the neck...
where it all hurts the most....
all i ask... for someone anyone to just hear mean dammit
belive in me
havent been this hurt or cried this hard before...
yeah.. im weak... im insecure...
im broken...
i just wish i could atleast have someone listen to me... atleast listen to the song...........
never felt so guilt, never felt like such a failure...
you've got me...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Garbage
i dont know why but for some odd reason i just feel like another piece of garbage
but theres one thing that comes to mind
i just want to understand you is all...
but theres one thing that comes to mind
i just want to understand you is all...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
All Ive Got
In these past months ive come to realize all ive got... ive learned alot as always, but these indeed are darker times than i have experienced in my past.
ive learned contetment and have become a simple man...
theres not too much to me.
how are these dark time you say?
our econemy is going down hill, my parents are slowly going into debt, and all that ive come to gain is slowly dripping and peeling away till its bases exposed.
the raw, bear essencials.
i useto have have many friends, many of witch i could count to, and turn to in these times in need.
i dont really have someone or anyone such so to turn to in times of need.
theres only a few people in my life so far who really matter and are trustalbe that i can count on.
thou sometimes i feel like ive got no one to talk to... and that ive got nowhere to turn when something is wrong...
ive realized this last time i was breaking down... twas but a few days ago. . .
so ive come to realize all ive got.
and all ive got, i cant say much more then i love them all
one more so in particualar, she holds me together most of the time, dont know what i would do without her or them, theyve become my foundation, if anyhting were to happen to any of them broken i shall be.
i lean on her espiaclly at times, as time goes by i hope i dont become a burdden, and that we grow even closer...
all ive got, isnt much, but i dont ask for more, i just hold them closer, for they have become what i love, and espicially love.
i miss and kinda need someone to talk to when somethings up and going down, i just have to keep it together, and be strong for them and myself, thou sometimes its hard to keep your feet on the ground, for we all need help from time to time...
ive gotta keep it together, after all, nobody likes a down, unplesent, unhopefull person...
another matter at hand i worrie for her, its hard to tell if shes ok i geuss, saying she says she is when she isnt, the kinda person who hides their feelings, thats why i worrie, what if somethings wrong and im compleatly oblivious, i just care is all , want to help... i cant help by want to help and worrie for i love her...
all this jazz has got me kinda blue, id be nice to get away and chill with my 2 friends, or just hold her right now,
that would be perfect
much more perfect than this tear i just shed.
ive learned contetment and have become a simple man...
theres not too much to me.
how are these dark time you say?
our econemy is going down hill, my parents are slowly going into debt, and all that ive come to gain is slowly dripping and peeling away till its bases exposed.
the raw, bear essencials.
i useto have have many friends, many of witch i could count to, and turn to in these times in need.
i dont really have someone or anyone such so to turn to in times of need.
theres only a few people in my life so far who really matter and are trustalbe that i can count on.
thou sometimes i feel like ive got no one to talk to... and that ive got nowhere to turn when something is wrong...
ive realized this last time i was breaking down... twas but a few days ago. . .
so ive come to realize all ive got.
and all ive got, i cant say much more then i love them all
one more so in particualar, she holds me together most of the time, dont know what i would do without her or them, theyve become my foundation, if anyhting were to happen to any of them broken i shall be.
i lean on her espiaclly at times, as time goes by i hope i dont become a burdden, and that we grow even closer...
all ive got, isnt much, but i dont ask for more, i just hold them closer, for they have become what i love, and espicially love.
i miss and kinda need someone to talk to when somethings up and going down, i just have to keep it together, and be strong for them and myself, thou sometimes its hard to keep your feet on the ground, for we all need help from time to time...
ive gotta keep it together, after all, nobody likes a down, unplesent, unhopefull person...
another matter at hand i worrie for her, its hard to tell if shes ok i geuss, saying she says she is when she isnt, the kinda person who hides their feelings, thats why i worrie, what if somethings wrong and im compleatly oblivious, i just care is all , want to help... i cant help by want to help and worrie for i love her...
all this jazz has got me kinda blue, id be nice to get away and chill with my 2 friends, or just hold her right now,
that would be perfect
much more perfect than this tear i just shed.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
...
Idk... what do you think... theres somehting up... i can feel it...
her:um... back?
him:hi
her:I was wondering if you and Emily would notice I was back, oh well
him:i had my thing minimized, and i waas watching a video
sorrys
Her:eh whatever
Him:so whats up?
Her:nothing really
just got out of the shower
and Emily who yelled at me last week for signing off without saying by signed off without saying by
oh well
Him:maybe it was because you were away when she got off
her:um no I got back and then she logged off
but hey whatever
not like I'm gonna die if she doesn't talk to me
it's not I don't see her every fricken day
Him:heh yeah
did you see the crappy photos bre edited?
her:yeah, ages ago
Him:ohh okies lol
so watcha up to?
Her:just sittin trying to think of something to do
I kinda had a song idea going earlier
that I was messing with in my head
but I lost it
Him:its ok it happens, i do the same i have like something i want to play, and can hear it in my head, and see what notes and strings to hit, it dosent sound like what i like or i just fail and foreget
Her:doesn't matter it wasn't that good of a song
I vaguely remember the first line
it was something like
I spill my guts onto him cause omg he's so great and amazing blah blah blah
it was something like that
basically the song was like dissing those sickening couples but I can't remember the rest
Him:ohh i see intresting lol
Her:um not really
Him:ohh okie
ohh fuck getting sick ill ttyl bye bye
her:um... back?
him:hi
her:I was wondering if you and Emily would notice I was back, oh well
him:i had my thing minimized, and i waas watching a video
sorrys
Her:eh whatever
Him:so whats up?
Her:nothing really
just got out of the shower
and Emily who yelled at me last week for signing off without saying by signed off without saying by
oh well
Him:maybe it was because you were away when she got off
her:um no I got back and then she logged off
but hey whatever
not like I'm gonna die if she doesn't talk to me
it's not I don't see her every fricken day
Him:heh yeah
did you see the crappy photos bre edited?
her:yeah, ages ago
Him:ohh okies lol
so watcha up to?
Her:just sittin trying to think of something to do
I kinda had a song idea going earlier
that I was messing with in my head
but I lost it
Him:its ok it happens, i do the same i have like something i want to play, and can hear it in my head, and see what notes and strings to hit, it dosent sound like what i like or i just fail and foreget
Her:doesn't matter it wasn't that good of a song
I vaguely remember the first line
it was something like
I spill my guts onto him cause omg he's so great and amazing blah blah blah
it was something like that
basically the song was like dissing those sickening couples but I can't remember the rest
Him:ohh i see intresting lol
Her:um not really
Him:ohh okie
ohh fuck getting sick ill ttyl bye bye
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Bound to happen...
as i lay here, awakening on this gloomy Thursday morning by the loud banging on my door, caused by my mom, we proceeded to talk for a little while about the situation, asking if i was going to be ok. Although for all i know she dosent know much of what she is talking about, but i know she cares.
My father, did the same ealier when i was first up, telling me if i ever needed to talk that he would be there or anything, and how he has the same hunch as my two freiends
Way ealier that morning, i had no one to speak to, so i started talking to Derick, he concerned to as why i was crying made us converse more than the norm. I proceeded to hang out with him for a while to get my mind off all the shit, it helped, but soon as i got back it all came back to me, in a way im still worried like all hell, scared too. But roughly telling him my situation he too also has the same hunch, as my father and two friends.
Im not yet going to belive it, but anything can happen.
I dont know what made such a great friendship go down the drain, im so scared, and ive come to realize, nobody should be afraid of thier own friends, espically the ones they have become more fond of.
I do not know what her problem is, be it jealousy or hate, i do not know, but i have a feeling she could be so, or that she may envy me and my "boo". Reasons why? maybe because shes jealous of what we have? or maybe she wants to inflict onto us how she feels about her "boo".
Who knows, im not quick to assume, i shal not stoop to her level, and plus it is quite wrong of me to think such wrong to a friend.
Hearing not too long ago, tales of friends, this "i wish our relationship could be like yours".
compareing one to anothers is somewhat inappropriate, as to it is enveous and shows discontent in your current relatioship, thus is my oppinion though. Every relatioship has its ups and downs and unique qualities that shouldnt be compared to others, no1 should have to live up to something of that calibur.
i am off topic
Whatever may be the case with me so called friend is beyond me, im tired of everything, and all the things she has to get on me, causeing me to float in my own fear. I am also tired in dealing with her discontent, and with everyhting i do discontends her, and no matter how hard you try to make things better, it never being enough, and more and more of the "bullshit" is stacked higher and higher, many of is irrelevent all together, pointless may i also add too.
It Deeply troubles me to see my girlie in the sorrowfull state that she is in cause of this situation, i know i have to be strong for her and help her in her times of need, althou i cannt help everything, yet i try, who knows if ill ever be enough to make the grade...
Im worried for her, it would mean alot for me to hear the sound of her voice saying shes atleast ok, though it is hard to talk to her about such things, for she holds it in, i tend to become a pest and try to figure out how she feels by asking more and more questions.
We both dont have very many friends at all, feels such a shame to feel as though your loosing a friend. Its tough, and brings you down... Its always nice to have someone there, but is such a loss to loose someone who was there.
I would know these feelings best having lost soo many close to me, and soo many friends in such little time.
I worrie for her, cause everyone needs someone, and who knows if ill be enough to help her hold herself together you know, like i said, who knows if ill be enough to make the grade...
i love her i cant help buy worry and be concerned for her, i want the best for her
although sometimes i think if i never came into her picture, she would have never had any of these traumas with her friend, i cant help but feel it as my fault sometimes, seeming the say she sees things im always doing something wrong... slowly going face to face takeing the place of her devils face's.
just wish there was a way to know if she was ok for real, i call her but thats almost no use, she answeres little and i cannot expect much of anyhting as a call back or a call at all, although i wish it.
Its always nice to hear her voice, espically in these times where im not fairing so well, with the constand breakdowns fears and worries.
ive become an insomniac with all this weight upon my shoulders, but i must be stong to help everyone i care about most, espically her, through...
as for our friend, i do not know, i feel as if i lost you already, and i give up trying, but ill still be here if you ever need me...
that and...
its not like i can just leave, you'd be mad, or stop talking to you, or you'd be mad, or talk to you enough, or you'd be mad, im already silenced to talk about my "boo" or anything else for you'd be mad, i cant do anyhting, i have to watch everything i do, and have your concent for everything it seems now a days...
i miss the way things were before...
well... im worried, im not ok, im breaking down, im concerned... im at a loss... i wish there was something i could do to make things better...
but since im silenced, this blog will have to be my escape, for it is serving its origional purpose to get all this shit we've got eachoter out so i can atleast have the feeing someone is there to hear me out and atleast understand how and what im feeling.
just from all this i already feel as though im beyon the help of any friend, and that i require teh help of a professional, or therapist, i know i need help... i hear its one of the hardest things to admit...
This is soo difficult for the both us, we try so hard, but it just feels like theres just no hope for us...
for now i worry and wallow in my concerns, i wish i could talk, call, or see her right now to make sure shes doing ok, but... i dont think thats going to happen...
well... i dont know what else to say...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Shhh... Enjoy the silence...
keep my secret...
call me crazy but I think Emily's wanting to see you
whenever she mentions plans they usually involve you or her family
and yes I will skin you alive if you tell her that and she gets mad at me
i dont want no touble...
just shhhh....
just...
enjoy the silence....
i dont feel some comfortalbe anymore, i hate crying
call me crazy but I think Emily's wanting to see you
whenever she mentions plans they usually involve you or her family
and yes I will skin you alive if you tell her that and she gets mad at me
i dont want no touble...
just shhhh....
just...
enjoy the silence....
i dont feel some comfortalbe anymore, i hate crying
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Buck Up Boy
i geuss you can say ive been moody or something latly, all i know is that its not good and for those around me, nobody likes an unhappy person, who is unconfident, i mean if you dont have confidence then how can you even begin to have confidence in others, same with love, if you dont have some kind of love in yourself how could you love another?
i geuss you can say ive kinda been a pest with my moods, i dont know if my reasons are good or not for having them.
But i realize, i have to be strong and believe, not just for myself, but for others too, espically her.
ive been stressing soo much over a friend the past weekand it geuss its brought out the paranoia in me, and have a hard time believeing in myself and my actions and feelings are makeing her happy.
Im sorry for being a pest it so, and or what else.
i shouldnt be havieng retarded feelings like no1 cares, thinking crap like, do you care? and how much of a failure i am.
i should know better... cause we all know its not true, and even if so, i should always try n better myself and help friends, and you cant do that when your down.
thou its a real relief, comfort, and joy, to have you reassurence with me, i am not always sure of my actions and all i wish is to be good to you, and my friends
its hard to pick yourself up when your down, and theres hardly anyone to help lift you up...
i know ive been leaning on you alot...
but i cant make that mistake again...
i have to be strong, confident, positive, be myself, and build these dreams from what little i have even if it slips through my hands, theres only one chance to this whole picture, and im painting it really slow on this huge canvas of mine
but it may be slow but im trying, one step at a time, stone by stone, one day at a time, ill hold your hand if you hold mine
i cant afford to mess up and loose the one i love, my friends i love, my few dreams, and my family.
all i can say is...
theres less than like 6 people in this world of mine that keep my feet on the ground, and one that keeps my heart in the skies
i cant affort to keep finding reasons to fall over, i have to stand up.
what i really ment to say is
im sorry if ive been a moody bitch saying crap that gets annoying
i have problems with my feelings i shouldnt be having, and i have to better myself to be able to be strong for myself and for you, and everyone else
ill just have you know...
when i think about you... all i can ever say in my imagination is, i love that girl
when im with you 2, we have the best of times doing nothing, cant imagin going fowared without you 2, i dont see you guys parting
and lastly, you, we may have had our troubles, your awesome
so that makes 4 maybe scratch one out...
4 people that keep my feet on the ground and heart in the skies...
i hope i can be strong and never let any of you guys down
though i still feel a little dissconnected, im sure we can work
so, Buck Up Boy
i geuss you can say ive kinda been a pest with my moods, i dont know if my reasons are good or not for having them.
But i realize, i have to be strong and believe, not just for myself, but for others too, espically her.
ive been stressing soo much over a friend the past weekand it geuss its brought out the paranoia in me, and have a hard time believeing in myself and my actions and feelings are makeing her happy.
Im sorry for being a pest it so, and or what else.
i shouldnt be havieng retarded feelings like no1 cares, thinking crap like, do you care? and how much of a failure i am.
i should know better... cause we all know its not true, and even if so, i should always try n better myself and help friends, and you cant do that when your down.
thou its a real relief, comfort, and joy, to have you reassurence with me, i am not always sure of my actions and all i wish is to be good to you, and my friends
its hard to pick yourself up when your down, and theres hardly anyone to help lift you up...
i know ive been leaning on you alot...
but i cant make that mistake again...
i have to be strong, confident, positive, be myself, and build these dreams from what little i have even if it slips through my hands, theres only one chance to this whole picture, and im painting it really slow on this huge canvas of mine
but it may be slow but im trying, one step at a time, stone by stone, one day at a time, ill hold your hand if you hold mine
i cant afford to mess up and loose the one i love, my friends i love, my few dreams, and my family.
all i can say is...
theres less than like 6 people in this world of mine that keep my feet on the ground, and one that keeps my heart in the skies
i cant affort to keep finding reasons to fall over, i have to stand up.
what i really ment to say is
im sorry if ive been a moody bitch saying crap that gets annoying
i have problems with my feelings i shouldnt be having, and i have to better myself to be able to be strong for myself and for you, and everyone else
ill just have you know...
when i think about you... all i can ever say in my imagination is, i love that girl
when im with you 2, we have the best of times doing nothing, cant imagin going fowared without you 2, i dont see you guys parting
and lastly, you, we may have had our troubles, your awesome
so that makes 4 maybe scratch one out...
4 people that keep my feet on the ground and heart in the skies...
i hope i can be strong and never let any of you guys down
though i still feel a little dissconnected, im sure we can work
so, Buck Up Boy
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Guitar
thinking about guitars....
i think about them alot...
i own a shitload
i play every now and then
but im never any good...
and i was just thinking...
maybe...
i just have a passion for the instrument its self and not much so the playing. The compositions, the electronics, how it all works, the parts, the looks, the feel, the tone.
or maybe im just one really off player
or maybe just one really bad playing
or maybe just someone whos obsessed with something he dosent relaly know much about...
who knows...
yeah i wish i was good, but i have no clue where to start... i have songs but they sound like they are no good compared to otheres... i dont know how they just do it...
i just dont know...
i wish i was good...
little dose anyone know i dont know what the hell im doing when i play i jsut hit notes that sound good.... and they all are the same... the begining of a Minor whatever the fuck its called...
dunno why i love guitars so much
just wish i was a better player, but i dunno where to start, ive learned mostly everything on my own and a few things here and there
guitarclass never really helped i just learned stupid songs and memorized the name of the strings and parts
i wonder how others do it
it must be a natural or soemthinng + lots of practice
i think about them alot...
i own a shitload
i play every now and then
but im never any good...
and i was just thinking...
maybe...
i just have a passion for the instrument its self and not much so the playing. The compositions, the electronics, how it all works, the parts, the looks, the feel, the tone.
or maybe im just one really off player
or maybe just one really bad playing
or maybe just someone whos obsessed with something he dosent relaly know much about...
who knows...
yeah i wish i was good, but i have no clue where to start... i have songs but they sound like they are no good compared to otheres... i dont know how they just do it...
i just dont know...
i wish i was good...
little dose anyone know i dont know what the hell im doing when i play i jsut hit notes that sound good.... and they all are the same... the begining of a Minor whatever the fuck its called...
dunno why i love guitars so much
just wish i was a better player, but i dunno where to start, ive learned mostly everything on my own and a few things here and there
guitarclass never really helped i just learned stupid songs and memorized the name of the strings and parts
i wonder how others do it
it must be a natural or soemthinng + lots of practice
Random thoughts
yeah i geuss ive been stressing alot the past few days im starting to loose my cool and my mind, and ive been posting a few blogs already i know no1 is probobly really gunna read this or care, but it kinda feels good to get random stuff out, its kinda like someone listning but who really isnt there ya know...
well anywho onto the random stuff
Stalkerage
i saw an update on my mood thing on myspace of my first (first gf) so i decided to check out her profile, and found it mildy entertaining looking at some of her pictures
why might you ask?
back in sophmore year, me and some friends made a band of totall n00bs and were getting into some crazy musics
heres some i got into
Bullet for my Valentine
Avenged Sevenfold
Senses Fail
Silverstien
18 visions
Children of Bodom
Fightstar
Busted
Social Burn
Breaking Benjamin
Lost Prophets
and prolly somemore but mainly the first 2 our band Covert Pariah was really into (a couple of the members)
chris love A7x and me BFMV and jorden SF
upon her profile pics were pics if Matt Tuck of BFMV and M Shadows of A7x all over with stuff like "ohh he is soo hot!" , "omfg id marry that" stuff like that
i noticed before alot of the music on her profile was stuff i burnt her n whatnot
i geuss it goes to show you ppl have alot of impact on your life and you learn alot from eachother n somethings stick with you
i learned alot from her, alot of the things i do were cause of stuff we been thru a long ass time ago lmao
i think its just kinda weird, i geuss it set a basses for me.
everynow n then ill remember some random flashback or detale n be like WTF wow i remember that
Thoughts on myself
i always wonder about myself, and what others think of me
stuff like, am i really a good person?
did i make a positive impact or a negative impact?
are the things i really do good?
am i doing the right thing?
ohh no what if im too needy?
am i annoying?
am i annoying yet?
dose she really mean it?
do they really like me?
am i a good friend?
what do they think about when they think of me?
what dose she think about when she thinks of me?
how often dose she think about me?
in camparison how much do i think about her, compare to about how much she thinks of me?
do i look pretty?
maybe i should be a little more...?
why dose her dad not like pink or purple xD?
am i a good son to my parents?
what her parents really think of when they think of me?
dose anyone else think of me that i dont know of?
whats my X think and say about me?
whats my mom think of her?
whats my dad think of her?
whats my mom think of her?
why did my dad randomly tell my cousin about her?
do my cousins think about me?
and alotta bull shit like that
if you think about it, the whole good/bad ordeel is really hard to judge
porque?
everyone has their own views on whats good, and whats bad, so what good for one could be bad for another, and vise versa
i have no clue what to think of myself, i always wonder if what i do is right or if im doing anyhting wrong, its a bad habit, and i worry alot too
and your prolly thinkins WTF lol
lol its kinda entertaining to thin about every now and then, sometimes i wish people would tell me their thoughts about me and the things i do if im doing anhting wrong or random crap
my cat just meow'd and it sounded kinda like yoshi
but if i had the power to read minds for like a day, id be soo stalking my friends and my lovely xD
lol i wonder if what i do is good or bad am i too much or too little
i think too much
This Book
ok so im reading this Manga Book ok, and its not mine, but i decided to like read it and its totally bomb
but i think im hooked i want to get the next one i have a few questions about some people and dont know the answer and i really want to find out
like why she runs away from that dude, and why everyones soo pissy, and who the fuck are all these people, and i cant read some of the words in the entrys cause the handwriteing is soo bad
i might read it again n catch some detales i missed
My brother
its kinda shameful my friends who dont really hang or talk to him much know more about him than me and the things he dose and the people he hangs out with, sometimes i wish i understood him more so i could help him or something or just have someone to talk to or whatever
we dont talk much or hang out much, its kinda weird compared to others relationships with their siblings
but everyone in this fam is kinda weird in general i geuss you could say
i wonder what my brother is really like and what he dose for fun
i wonder why he has ciggaretts too
well im done blabbing for now
kinda feels like im writeing in a diary lol
well anywho onto the random stuff
Stalkerage
i saw an update on my mood thing on myspace of my first (first gf) so i decided to check out her profile, and found it mildy entertaining looking at some of her pictures
why might you ask?
back in sophmore year, me and some friends made a band of totall n00bs and were getting into some crazy musics
heres some i got into
Bullet for my Valentine
Avenged Sevenfold
Senses Fail
Silverstien
18 visions
Children of Bodom
Fightstar
Busted
Social Burn
Breaking Benjamin
Lost Prophets
and prolly somemore but mainly the first 2 our band Covert Pariah was really into (a couple of the members)
chris love A7x and me BFMV and jorden SF
upon her profile pics were pics if Matt Tuck of BFMV and M Shadows of A7x all over with stuff like "ohh he is soo hot!" , "omfg id marry that" stuff like that
i noticed before alot of the music on her profile was stuff i burnt her n whatnot
i geuss it goes to show you ppl have alot of impact on your life and you learn alot from eachother n somethings stick with you
i learned alot from her, alot of the things i do were cause of stuff we been thru a long ass time ago lmao
i think its just kinda weird, i geuss it set a basses for me.
everynow n then ill remember some random flashback or detale n be like WTF wow i remember that
Thoughts on myself
i always wonder about myself, and what others think of me
stuff like, am i really a good person?
did i make a positive impact or a negative impact?
are the things i really do good?
am i doing the right thing?
ohh no what if im too needy?
am i annoying?
am i annoying yet?
dose she really mean it?
do they really like me?
am i a good friend?
what do they think about when they think of me?
what dose she think about when she thinks of me?
how often dose she think about me?
in camparison how much do i think about her, compare to about how much she thinks of me?
do i look pretty?
maybe i should be a little more...?
why dose her dad not like pink or purple xD?
am i a good son to my parents?
what her parents really think of when they think of me?
dose anyone else think of me that i dont know of?
whats my X think and say about me?
whats my mom think of her?
whats my dad think of her?
whats my mom think of her?
why did my dad randomly tell my cousin about her?
do my cousins think about me?
and alotta bull shit like that
if you think about it, the whole good/bad ordeel is really hard to judge
porque?
everyone has their own views on whats good, and whats bad, so what good for one could be bad for another, and vise versa
i have no clue what to think of myself, i always wonder if what i do is right or if im doing anyhting wrong, its a bad habit, and i worry alot too
and your prolly thinkins WTF lol
lol its kinda entertaining to thin about every now and then, sometimes i wish people would tell me their thoughts about me and the things i do if im doing anhting wrong or random crap
my cat just meow'd and it sounded kinda like yoshi
but if i had the power to read minds for like a day, id be soo stalking my friends and my lovely xD
lol i wonder if what i do is good or bad am i too much or too little
i think too much
This Book
ok so im reading this Manga Book ok, and its not mine, but i decided to like read it and its totally bomb
but i think im hooked i want to get the next one i have a few questions about some people and dont know the answer and i really want to find out
like why she runs away from that dude, and why everyones soo pissy, and who the fuck are all these people, and i cant read some of the words in the entrys cause the handwriteing is soo bad
i might read it again n catch some detales i missed
My brother
its kinda shameful my friends who dont really hang or talk to him much know more about him than me and the things he dose and the people he hangs out with, sometimes i wish i understood him more so i could help him or something or just have someone to talk to or whatever
we dont talk much or hang out much, its kinda weird compared to others relationships with their siblings
but everyone in this fam is kinda weird in general i geuss you could say
i wonder what my brother is really like and what he dose for fun
i wonder why he has ciggaretts too
well im done blabbing for now
kinda feels like im writeing in a diary lol
Saturday, January 10, 2009
For all this time?
ive lived a simple man, where sometiems simple things bring me down...
when a heavy hit comes my way like times like hese and the ones i hold onto drift away, i dont have much to hold me steady
the tears seem to become soo unbearable...
your words come through, and settle me down...
letting me know at time that everything is going to be ok
i hold you closer, cuase i dont know where else to turn, and i know your the one i can hold onto in these times where i dont know what to do
i hope im no too much of a bother holing you soo close and being soo needy...
when your gone... and not here... i hold what little you have given me tight against my chest... wishing you were here...
when a heavy hit comes my way like times like hese and the ones i hold onto drift away, i dont have much to hold me steady
the tears seem to become soo unbearable...
your words come through, and settle me down...
letting me know at time that everything is going to be ok
i hold you closer, cuase i dont know where else to turn, and i know your the one i can hold onto in these times where i dont know what to do
i hope im no too much of a bother holing you soo close and being soo needy...
when your gone... and not here... i hold what little you have given me tight against my chest... wishing you were here...
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