Dear Agony

Dear... Whoever.

Heres a little slice i like to call life.

Today, and the past few days, well more like, a little while (being within days/weeks) have been pretty stressing for me, i dunno who else to talk to or anything and its been quite some time since ive been on here. Things have been going pretty rough, and as the days go by, they feel shorter, but never seem to end, and as time passes i realize i have less and less around me to hold onto, as in, less and less things to keep me occupied, people to talk to and hang out. I dont have much besides my love and my friends, and the gettaway witch i would like to call work. Times like these have been kinda gettind me down to the point to where, i jus want the day to end so i can wake up the next day, or jus sleep the rest of my days off, but when i wake up the next day its more jus like a continuation, and the same thoughts and problems appear in my mind when i wake up.

Well thats the jist of things, now the problem, i jus kinda feel like me and my love have been bickaring too often over my disconent on some aspects of our relationship, i feel bad for always getting on her case for the same few things, but sometimes you jus cant help how you feel, and i dont want to be like before where i never said anything. I just dont like us to be in this mess of all the same issues, and the argueing, and seeing her cry, and me crying when no ones around, n haveing eachoters feelings hurt. I want things to be good, i just dunno how to go about things, idk if its me thats makeing things worse, or is it her, or both of us, but it dosent really matter whose fault it is anyways. But all this beings me the greatest feeling of unease ever, i kinda feel like im falling apart, im really worried too. I worry that she'll get tired of my shit, tired of being hurt, tired of the tears, tired of me, theres so much more than pain out there, and i dont want to drag her down, in other words, im kinda scared of looseing her. Sometimes i imagin what it would be lie if she were to leave n find sombody new, its heartacheing like lookin at one of our past incidents i will not explain in this blog. I miss summer, how everything was good, not too much to care about, the nice summer heat, and her company, all the time. Now its cold, and can no longer see, and i have to start wearing tones of layes like i useto when i useto go ride my bike every morning to see her sweet face.

My heats sunk deep into my chest, i feel horribe, and im waist deep in the shit, and i need to find a way out...

no just for me, but i gotta find the extra stregnth to pull her out too.

Its only tuesday and im exhausted, physcally, mentally, emotionally, and psycologically, wakeing up 6days ina row this week at 4:50am is takeing its tole, i gotta do the same next week too. I dont want to be down anymore but i feel lost and im falling apart, idk how im gunna get through this week

somteims i wish i could jus go, jus go, jus go out and foreget, but i cant, i cant something always stops me.

well i better hit the hay before i start to cry again.

P.S. - Never, ever watch scarry movies, im still paranoid from watching a haunting in conniticut with chris in kinlee days ago, and after that incident in the stockroom, i jus hate being alone.

Gnite, i hope tomo is a diffrent day.

<3

Life.

Life

were all in it, we have to make the best of it... i cant see that sometimes... i hate the fact that im so negative sometimes, sometimes i wonder why im not like happy like everyone else, or maybe that somethings wrong with myself, like maybe i needs some depression meds or something.

i have a bad/funny feeling that later in life i might turn out to be a bad apple, and be a violent rapeist or soemthing. So i gotta remember the things i tell myself in my head.

I get this feeling when im around my girlie, like shes gunna do sooo much more, and be so much more, as in successful, its kinda weird, i know shes a smart girl, ive got high hopes for her, without a doubt she'll be smarter than me and do better at whatever it is she wants to do.

Funny how that funny feeling also makes me kick myself in the ass sometimes xD

ive been such a downer at times, i want to be happy like others i always feel like theres something seriously wrong with me cuase im not like them.

like im at a circus at night, even with all the light and fun around, your still surrounded by darkness.

i geuss sometimes i can be kinda moody, and other times like recently i have legitimit reasons for feeling the way i feel.

things may not always go my way... i may have not gotten the oppertunitys like my brother has... or get to do things when i want to, spend money on the things i want to, hang with friends like id like to or simple things like talk to the one i love like id like to.

but i should try not to dwell, i shoudl know better, i always kick myself in the ass for feeling certain ways or having certian feelings.

but things are good i just have to see that... i dont want to sit here not feeling a thing.

hopefully ill start working soon, so i can get some $ and save up for a car, or buy that book for emily or just be able to go out to eat with friends and not worrie about how much it costs.

i went to a body shop yesterday, it made me real excited and made me look foward to going to college for it, it looks like fun, get your own little work corner and tool chest, get to hang up your certificuts of compleation on the wall haha i want to start. and my brother since he got new tools he said i can take his old ones, and they are still new so im happy about that, im going to try and find all the tools.

Emmy said we should do a bad ass photoshoot together sometime, ive already plotted some ideas for it heh...i think it would be fun, i always enjoy haveing her around, just makes me feel so much better inside that im doing something right, and that i make someone happy, love is the second greatest feeling next to the girl you love (yur just better than love itself xD idk lol) Shes such a goodie goodie girl i dunno what id do without her at times.

although at times i feel like i dont matter, or im just a pain neuscence... i should probobly be slapped for thinking that.

i also feel like im missing the bigger picture, it shouldnt be about my picture, but more of her and the people shes associated with? idk

My dad broke out some old Travler d&d books, the game sounds real cool, i want mah buddehs to joint it lol i hope they can all come tomo. and ive been thinking about playing the addiction again, WoW, idk i dont have much $ i cant afford to waist it since i have to fix my car.


well its 1:32 i think im gunna try and get some sleep, im feelign a little better, ill kick myself in the ass in the morning for being so down and thinking the things i do, sorry if this offended anyone or anything.

Goodnight.

So much to say

but ohh so much writers block.


well this makes me feel a little better

Fly (ignore me! my writeing is full of shit)

theres alot of shit going down n its leading right between us

its a cold world when all you're showing me all dis ice

all ive been tryin to do was jus be nice

but ive had it with you and your mistakes

tired of gettin gunned down for all the times i try to help you fly

u just runnin by pushin me by like we don mean shit

but your da one whos fulla shit

Possesion...

Ok im kinda scared

ive been getting these strange sleep feelings form time to time, wher ei cant move and im looseing air, and i have to move side to side to get feeling back into my lungs to get air... idk what it is, but i always feel it comming on, i just had it real bad...

everytime i get it, i get a real vivid dream or image, this time i was with some people in my room, or something and like this person or demon or something goes into someone, and i saw it it everyone, and then it all moved to one, and i said in my mind demon, kill it, then thats when things got crazy

i couldnt wake up, and it felt like something passed through me, like i had my eyes open but couldnt move and the whoel room was spinning and swirling, i got feeling back and now im back on...


idk...


i hate these nightmares...



possesion?

Never Says, "Never Said"

From these eyes

i can see the world

yoru world

but apart not a part

just to

hear your words

not to know

how you live

but to understand how you are


solitude


you can make it

never even try

its what you were born to do


theres no excuse

your better than me

never even try

its what you wer born to do


no matter what

always climbing

never dyeing

to see what the world only wishes to see

is your destiny


one without me

i could only see

one like me

killing thee

if i were to disappear

you'd never see

what i brought to thee


please climb high


you can make it

never even try

its what you were born to do


theres no excuse

your better than me

never even try

its what you wer born to do

to see what the world only wishes to see

im sure you can do without my unneeded weight

Fonzzie

Might i add


we are acustomed to meeting


time and time again


ever so fond, like a bird to a tree


comming and going


ever so knit


unable to co-exist without the other


never staying never leaving


always careing

a bond ever so sick


when all is not well

and your not around

i hope the wind blows you back

when your here i hope you stay

so sick to see you leave

so sick to let you go

after all its just nature




- Kevin



P.S. - ???