Well heres another pointless update.
So yeah, idk i kinda get this mentality right now where im kinda in a bad rut and im paying for things i geuss, its cause im supersticious and believe things, even crap i make up. Well, anyways... yesterday i took a real bad spill trying to get to emily cause she got out early, and i didnt want to keep her waiting, so i went to fast and beefed it in fron of the college, i rode pase the place where i crashed theres a good 2-3 ft scratch in the concrete, and few other places where parts of me or my bike hit, so in other words, i got pretty fucked up, the skin scraped almost down to the bone on my pinky knuckle, and 2 spots on the top of my knuckel where my skin broke, my arm ended up slideing across the concrete creating a big ol wound on my arm, and small one on my knee, and a large gash on my elbow, also another small scrape on my face... and where i hit on my right side, my headphones got smashed, and i bruised and got some red marks on my inne rtheigh, and my tumb also hit somewhere in teh mix... so in other words im pretty fucked up, wraped up in bandages like it was vietnam.... not such a good feeling
In other news, i took my drivers test today, after waiting forever. Things went pretty well i didnt know what to expect... i didnt know a few things but i easily got the hang of it. i got there early and waited and didt get taken out till about 15mins after 8, the girl before me i was sooo surprized i thought she did well cause she was back in like 5 mins, i came back and realized she failed. The instructer was nice, gave directions a little bad so i geuss you could say i could have done better, i thought id be all happy to get it, and id kinda celebrate by going out wiht friends and chow down on something, but it was the opposite, i dont really want to drive cause it raises the insurence up soo much for my parents, and things are tight as it is... thought id feel good if i passed, the feeling is nutral and im kinda bummed
like i mentioned ealier, im supersticious... so i think maybe karma is getting back at me big time... through bad luck and bad things happening or whatver...
Ive been hanging out with chris kinlee austen and courteny latly its been real fun, but things kinda feel like im just in a dream world, and like something big and devistateing is comming up. idk
i guess i just kinda bummin right now...
good memmorries right here...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
10 Months Together
I love her, words cant describe sometimes, if i the stregneth to remember everything i meant to say and say it at the right moment id tell her how much she'd mean to me. Ive really been thinkin about things to say since the little drama, just never got much of a chance to say them...
ohh well
heres a song
and the Lyrics
The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever
As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)
P.S. - I know im a sappy kinda guy.
Goodnight
ohh well
heres a song
and the Lyrics
The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever
As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down
Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)
P.S. - I know im a sappy kinda guy.
Goodnight
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Life
Here we go just for a little bit...
Hows life right now for me.
well i cant complain, some things could be better, im having my up's and down's alot. I was really excited for this week to begin last weekand and what not, its kinda died down alot almost to the point to where i just want to sleep to waist the day away. Well Emily has her game tomo, ive been looking foward to being there for her cause its also out 10mo aniversery, and then firday, is our prom. We've been kinda mixed up in some conflict i geuss, its kinda hard for myself to keep myself up, since theres not much i can do about my past, cause whats done is dont... theres no turning back, no going back, it cant change... and its not something you can just shake a stick (sorry) at, the most i can do is to just reassure things but its hard to just even talk to her at times, shes at school, busy doing homework, cant hang out on weekdays and kinda hard on weekands too, and she cant be on the phone after a certain time... well ill just have to keep trying... things have been getting the best of me and its brought me to tears for the past few nights, and before i knew what the problem was she wouldnt tell me so i got worried, ill admit ive been looseing sleep for over the week over the ordeal, looseing my appitite too... so a week that i thought would just be amazin is kinda on the down low now, things will get better i hope... im just worried about things well everything falling apart...
So today ive been thinking, i havent been eating much, so i just got one deating a big lunch, idk whats up, i passed up my mom's tacos last night, and the day before i didnt eat breakfast of lunch, but ive been drinking soooo much (no not like alcohol). My parents got some 2 gallons of fruit punch... the first day we got it i practically drank one whole carton at dinner time... and the other day i drank half the 2 gallon jug of green tea in the garage... well i geuss when things are going down i loose my appitite, but since summers rollin round i geuss its good that im drinking so much, and everytime i drink, i drink like mad, like giveing someone who's been out in teh desert a jug of water lol. Well the tacos were good i scarfed them down and now i full, maybe one day i should open up a taco shop...
An old friend
Well latley ive been kinda worried for an old friend named austen, him and his GF who've been together like 3-4 years? broke up, kinda hearing from me and chris talking to him he's been kinda down and dosnt know what much to do, its cool talking to him, im just concerned for him ya know, we suppose to hang out on saturday... im not sure if i should really go since i want to really get everything all straightend out with me and emily...
Photography
Ive been getting into it from my brother... sometimes i just wish he was aorund so we could hang out and take pics or something but he's never here, ive developed about 5 rolls by now, its kinda expensive but its fun. Im still kinda new to it but im getting the hang of it, i really like takeing portraits and stuff, i wish i coudl have more people as like models to take pictures of... nobody seems to really be takeing any intrest in being a model or even my photos much, it kinda makes me a little sad but its all good its understandable that not everyone is into what im into. Im going to take pictures of my new bike and my uncles bike and send them to him, i told him i do so a long time ago, since his bike is woth alot of money being so old and rare now, im sure he'll be happy to see it.
So how are you now?
well im doing alright, just kinda takeing it easy today, i took like a 3 hour nap and ate a good meal, i think i really needed it. Just kinda have this gloom about me over the whole ordeal still thou. Well i gotta use the bathroom now. so im out for now
i hope everyhting will clear up soon, i dont like all these bad feelings, and sadness, i just dont want things to fall apart.
Chao For Now
Hows life right now for me.
well i cant complain, some things could be better, im having my up's and down's alot. I was really excited for this week to begin last weekand and what not, its kinda died down alot almost to the point to where i just want to sleep to waist the day away. Well Emily has her game tomo, ive been looking foward to being there for her cause its also out 10mo aniversery, and then firday, is our prom. We've been kinda mixed up in some conflict i geuss, its kinda hard for myself to keep myself up, since theres not much i can do about my past, cause whats done is dont... theres no turning back, no going back, it cant change... and its not something you can just shake a stick (sorry) at, the most i can do is to just reassure things but its hard to just even talk to her at times, shes at school, busy doing homework, cant hang out on weekdays and kinda hard on weekands too, and she cant be on the phone after a certain time... well ill just have to keep trying... things have been getting the best of me and its brought me to tears for the past few nights, and before i knew what the problem was she wouldnt tell me so i got worried, ill admit ive been looseing sleep for over the week over the ordeal, looseing my appitite too... so a week that i thought would just be amazin is kinda on the down low now, things will get better i hope... im just worried about things well everything falling apart...
So today ive been thinking, i havent been eating much, so i just got one deating a big lunch, idk whats up, i passed up my mom's tacos last night, and the day before i didnt eat breakfast of lunch, but ive been drinking soooo much (no not like alcohol). My parents got some 2 gallons of fruit punch... the first day we got it i practically drank one whole carton at dinner time... and the other day i drank half the 2 gallon jug of green tea in the garage... well i geuss when things are going down i loose my appitite, but since summers rollin round i geuss its good that im drinking so much, and everytime i drink, i drink like mad, like giveing someone who's been out in teh desert a jug of water lol. Well the tacos were good i scarfed them down and now i full, maybe one day i should open up a taco shop...
An old friend
Well latley ive been kinda worried for an old friend named austen, him and his GF who've been together like 3-4 years? broke up, kinda hearing from me and chris talking to him he's been kinda down and dosnt know what much to do, its cool talking to him, im just concerned for him ya know, we suppose to hang out on saturday... im not sure if i should really go since i want to really get everything all straightend out with me and emily...
Photography
Ive been getting into it from my brother... sometimes i just wish he was aorund so we could hang out and take pics or something but he's never here, ive developed about 5 rolls by now, its kinda expensive but its fun. Im still kinda new to it but im getting the hang of it, i really like takeing portraits and stuff, i wish i coudl have more people as like models to take pictures of... nobody seems to really be takeing any intrest in being a model or even my photos much, it kinda makes me a little sad but its all good its understandable that not everyone is into what im into. Im going to take pictures of my new bike and my uncles bike and send them to him, i told him i do so a long time ago, since his bike is woth alot of money being so old and rare now, im sure he'll be happy to see it.
So how are you now?
well im doing alright, just kinda takeing it easy today, i took like a 3 hour nap and ate a good meal, i think i really needed it. Just kinda have this gloom about me over the whole ordeal still thou. Well i gotta use the bathroom now. so im out for now
i hope everyhting will clear up soon, i dont like all these bad feelings, and sadness, i just dont want things to fall apart.
Chao For Now
Monday, April 13, 2009
Love, Confessions, Beliefes, Heart, Mind body and Soul (pieces of my life)
Theres so much on my mind, i havent spoken in ages...
ive felt like i havent ever started living till about sophmore year, and ive gone so fast and now things have started to wind down..
why may you ask i started living so late?
i was shelted, i kept to myself and came out ever so slowly, then, i just started to break away so fast, i was falling away so fast, i changed so much in such little time... i actually belive ive lived more than alot of otheres out there my own age... and when i think to that i dont even think of times before when i didnt live here...
ive had so much, lost so much, learned so much, in just a matter of years... change.. was everywere so fast i adapted, rescessed.
i started off with nothing, not knowing anyhting i wanted in life, then gained to much, became so happy, been through so many downs, and i belive ive fiannly found who i am, ive been through times where i just wanted to go out and live, and ive been through times where i just didnt want to live
but a few things came through, that have been key points duing my change...
in teh very past i dont know where i heard it, but i hated the way girls were treated, and i told myself at a young age, that, i wouldnt do anyhitng bad, i wouldnt hurt a soul like from what i seen, and that i would try and be the greatest love i could be, it was a really big goal for me to find love...
even before that, i remember, all i ever wanted was to be someone of my own, i wanted to be cool, i wanted to have friends, id wish it all the time
i never knew what i wanted to be, i could never think of anyhting i was good at untill recently ive come to terms with things i love to do, and i wish to grow upon them
i was always weak, i wanted to be stronger when i grew up... i learned the hard way, and been throught some humiliation to be who i am now
i love to create... during my years in jr high, there was allways a story that i stuck up to ive created myself... and ongoing story that never ends... of things i fantasize, things ive loved seen, things i wished would happen, adventure romance, tradgidy, ...
this is just scrathching the surface... but everyhting in this, is purely me... im going in...
ill start at the begning... in elementry school... i know i wasnet cool, i was alway the odd one out, i had no style, and i was weak, i was never like any of the other boys... id go home every day and lie to my parents saying i made a new friends, and that we hung out every day... i wanted to be cool, i wasnet too sure aobut haveing a friend, ive never had one before, i never talked to anyone, i never asked for anyhting unless spoken too, i was that shy. Soon time passed by it was the third grade, i still had no friends, i wanted to be cool, and wanted to go and do things... i somehow met oscar, we became friends, its mostly a haze, but with us was out friend angel... i didnt learn his name till next year... cause thats when he became my best friend when oscar wasent around, i first started to get my own style around then too... it was the 90's after all... Nsync and shit was comming around the bend and cargo pants were getting pretty big, and i loved cargo pants when i was little, all these pockets, and they were all loose, and usless, i remember i had 2 pairs i always wore them. Later in the middle of the year a new student came in named jasif (Ha-see-if) and we started talking cause he was in angels class, and i was kinda weirdout by the new commer, but i soon got useto him and we became best friends, just the 3 of us hanging out, we would play soccer and talk about random stuff, and make dirty jokes that proboby werent so dirty. This is when i first went over to a friends house, and had a freidn come over for the first time... i remember going to his house to hang out with him.. i had to be home by like 4 or 5 and we would just sit there and watch tv i thought it was kinda boaring, so i look at his stuff, in his cool room. I decided to bring him over to my place one day, it was the most embaressing thing ever... cause in me and my brothers room, the owners before had winnie the poo painted on teh walls, and i had thomas the tank engine bed sheets and crap... never got new ones... so jasif was laughing at me for having them... i was always a pussy, and didnt see it till one day hanging out at school playing soccer i got hit and started to cry, and jasif and angel, were all asking me if i was ok, and kinda chuckling at me cause i started crying after such a small hit... thats when i decided to be stronger... next thing ya know.. next hit i took, i realized how much easier it was to just take it and keep moveing... theres no more crying allowd for such things anymore...
Time passed, my b-day came rolling around... i was going to have my first party... my friends angel and jasif were gunna be there, and some of their siblings and what not... ive never had a part ever so it was new to me... my brother got me that day my first boom box, he paied, and amazing 10-15$ at the time for it, i was soo impressed at how expensive it was, and questioned how he got it for me... but after seeing it i soon didnt care cause it was mine, but one thing hit me, i didnt listen to music... i thought to myself at teh party when everyone was playing games, who likes music anyways... idk i dont like it so i refuse to like it, ill be like the only cool one to not like it... my grandparents were there, they knew what my brother got me and they got me 2 cd's... ill have to say it was the most pathetic cd's ever... Puff the Magic Dragon, and Celebrateing Friends... i remember trying out my boom box at the time playing those cd's... my friends at the time must have been like WTF man... ask if you couldnt be any more pussy than this... ive only listend to the celebrateing friends cd once, the first track, then i put it away to never listen to it again, and the puff the magic dragon one... well i didnt like that one so i listend to the first few trackes and decided it was garbage and never listned to it again...
6th grade came around...
my parents said we were going to move... i was sad at this thought but happy at the same time cause id be somewhere diffrent... sad in the way that id be without my friends... mainly jasif... i remember bringing a map of the new houseing development to school telling my teacher and friends where i was going to move... it was suppose to be in teh middle of the school year, but they kept pushing it back so we didnt move till about summer... i remember walking home from school one day.. the last day of school... thinking about the future... about what was after 6th grade and that how education should jsut stop and you shoudl be able to do what ever you want, and that i was soo scared of going to jr high/high school, i was scared to grow up and have to work and loose the things i liked to do, but i didnt like to much at the time so idk what the hell i was thinking, i remember thinking... i dont want to live that kind of life... but wait... i want to live to find love... but i dont want to grow up... ohh hell idk if i want to kill myself or keep on going... then walking slowly i passed by my building where my class was, and said goodbye, im noting going to see that place ever again... thats when i checked out this chick for the first time... i remember looking at this preppyish girl ive never payed attention to before in my life, and only noticeing her like 2-3 times throughout the whole year, and i said to myself, shes kinda pretty, in her pink top and tan shorty shorts, wavey brown hair, and i think she had bewbies... BUT WAIT im never comming back her... ill never get a change to know or even talk to her, i cant even remember her damn name... aw shit what was it... ohh man i want to talk to her get to know her, i hate the way in all those shows how girls are mistread and crap i wanna know what its like to be with someone.... ohh well fuck it
well eventually we moved to snowmass lane... in a nearby town... i remember the first day we moved into teh house... i was the first one to get my bed set up and we sat there unpacking till like 10pm and man were me tired... it was kinda odd being in a new home, it had a funny smell... and everything was white... i just remember i got to pick the carpet and countertops lol. So i felt kinda sad cause i missed my friend jasif so i called him a couple times to see what was up... not to often thou... was too shy too... but when we first moved here, my parents decided to get me and my brother, computers for school, BRAND new computers... i felt like soo spoiled at the time cause my parents never spent so much $ on me or my brother before... my brother always seemed to get the best of things... i remember he wanted a mac, and i wanted to pick my computer just like he did, but i didnt get to... my parents got teh cheapest one at walmart when he got to pick out what mac he wanted, what color and model... and not only that but was it way more expensive... by like 2-300$ worth... still to this day he always seems to get the best, but im become simple and dont complain (he got a 100$ toolset today, AND he is COMPLAING ABOUT IT) but yea... back to my life story... there was a problem with his mac so we brought it back, and then they didnt have another one to replace it with so they got him a LAPTOP that was EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE... and i was like aww damn... and we both got to pick out a video game for the computer too... so i spend those times... playing Diablo 2 and getting scared cause it was scarry... and my bro got the sims i think... well yeah school time came aorund i was soo scared to what it would be like... i didnt want to change and grow up and do shit like PE and all that kida crap i didnt know shit about... i remember i was an extream loaner... cause i knew nothing and i had to find all my classes and crap, and that i foregot my schduel but i had this digital planner that had all my classes on it so thats how i survied the first day... i remember being sooo embaressed to even pull it out... lunch time sucked cause i had no friends, and didnt know where to eat, so i ate in front of the school by myself... till one day i was eating lunch at the caffateria for once... this dude was talking about diabo 2 or starcraft or something, and i jumped into the convo, and thats how me and kyle became friends, i met him the next day in teh lunch line and we started hanging out being nerdy, thats also the first time... I PLAYED XBOX. i also started to break away from my stupid habits at this time, i was lazy and didnt do my homeowrk and failed classes and made friends and dirty jokes and what not, and brought friends over more thatn the norm, i still had no style, but i started listning to music, i was relaly big into video games, and my parents would take me and mt bro to the flea market in modesto alot so i got all my video games from there, so that was my life then, i still didnt know what i wanted to be or do when i grew up. and i started buying crap i didnt use or need, like boom boxes and shit, but my brother showed me OCremix and i started listning to remixed video game music, i couldnt sleep without noise so i started listning to cd's in my sleep, they were pluged into that trusy bomb box my brother gave me ohh long ago, it was allways bad, id have my headphones in, and be jammin to som hardcore video game techno and id become unpluged, and then bam it would be soo loud in my room at like 1am and crap, im surprized no1 noticed. its kinda odd to belive i use to do that just on the other side of my room years ago...
Highschool came around i treid to hang with the same friends i useto that ive made in jr high... Kyle, Nathan, Chris A... that didnt work to well... at pitman... kyles sister was a senior so we hung out with her, and chris a, came along with us, and nathan, my best at the time left, i think it was because kyle and chris always made fun of him... i always felt bad, and i think i should have stood up for him more...
but i remember we all got into yu gi oh cards and magic... so we would go and play that at lunch time afer we got our pizza bagles and crap, then teh candy man woul dcome around and id buy everyone candy.. lol heres teh turning point, in the "wookies" class, me and kyle met chris g, who is now ans still my best friend, we sat next to eachoter and talked and what not, and we convinced him to come over to teh art room at lunch to trade some cards baby xD we didnt talk to much, but i started seeing him aorund alot more, and he really became my best friend over time. well i got into emailing... my dad wanted me to email some ladys daughers cause she knew the family, he never gave me teh email.. but i found it on the floor and decied to email her... i freaked the shit outa her cause i was blabbing aorund random stuff and was jsut plain creepy... that was my frist attempt on talking to a girl... i FAIL. Summer came rolling around and i just didnt hang out with anyone... i watched tv and played warcraft 3 and diablo 2 and the sim's all day while watching TLC's what not to wear, animal planet, and when things got really bad it was those creepy baby shows with the women giving birth and crap... i watched what not to wear cause i knew i had no style and i just wanted to be cool... i remember crying ymself to sleep at night cause i wanted to have a style, i wanted to be approachable, i wanted to be cool, like everyone else... at some point in time i got mad, so what i did was air guitar and headbang, and i looked in the mirror and my hair was all fliped out, i was like woa, i found a new hairstyle, no more hair jell and 50's hairstyle for me! and for the hell of it i decied IM NOT GOING TO WEAR MY GLASSES unless i damn right need them so that became my look for a long time...
sophmore year rolled aound i continued like normal, not lieking school failing ect, still playing video games, hanigng with a new croud now, chris and his friends, i brought my friends over kyle and well yeah thats aobut it cause chris a, dissapeared and never came back one day... and bre graduated... but one thing remained... i wanted to find love... little did i know was that this is when i was gunna start liveing and fast...
chris borught over a couple friends, case we were talking about how we wanted to make a band or soemthing, i just started playing guitar, and he wanted me to meet them.. it was austen and jorden... i just remeber them feeling... soo ... BIG, i felt like an inmatture kid to them... around meeting them a new gal came mid school year to my art class who was gunna change my life. I remember laughing at her cause the special ed kid was hitting on her lmao, well she moved seats the next day, and passed me a note, and i stared at if for like 10mins like WTF WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO, so i wrote hi to her and gave it back, i found it a real inconvience thou... case we passed notes back and fourth all the time... and people started questioning me, random girls were like are you guys passing notes? and shit like that... it was weird...
cause she said i looked cute, and asked me stuff like, if i ever had a gf before, and it was awkward, cause i told her i never had, and she told me i looked like someone who's been with ALOTTA girls... i was soo weirded out and happy at the time cause it was the first time someone liked me, i didnt care what she looked like, she liked me, so id walk up to my friends and tell them what happened and they wer elie woa xD it was weird...
at this time... all i know is that it had a certain feel... and i can feel it now as i think about it, a kind of golden feel... that is hard to describe...
well it was odd always talking to her, and giveing her my phone # cause my parents would ask who the hell is calling all the time, and i wouldnt talk long cause id be too embaressed to be talking to her, but i got useto it after awhile... we then got into the habit of calling eachoter everyday several times a day...
i made alot of friends that year too... austen and jorden... we did hella crazy stuff, that i just wasnet useto.. i had this attitude... where i just didnt want to care, but i never broke away at my past feeling, so i was always paranoid... scared to do the things they did, but i was there and enjoying every minute of it, i soon broke my goodie goodie habit, and learned to have fun doing simple things, and even real simple things such as shareing drinks without going paranoid cause it wasent my own, and how to just haf fun and not worrie, ill always remember those time and all teh funny stupid shit we did... and ill always remember this time too cause of the love i had... we went al whole summer without seeing eachoter... i saw her like once... and got in so much toruble for makeing out on my bed... and what not... my mom was soo pissed so was my dad... it was at this time i was starting to explore and it wasnet good.. im real parnoid now.. ive done so much, and almost gotten caught so mant times... i dont always feel comfortalbe now having intamite times and what not...
time went one i made new freinds still had my old ones, and i began to get more into her... i got mad at my freinds cause she made me belive that they were sueing me... so i hung out with her.. ill always remember this time cause i was uncomfortalbe, and it was the first time i was actually kinda getting down... and i knew something was up... something was gunna change... for one i left all my friends so i had no1 but her... that summer we broke up, after being together over a year
times were rought after that, it was the first time i waas depressed, and i didnt want to do anyhintg i couldnt at all, id pace around all day thinking and tyring to call her all the time to get her back... i knew i was jsut getting more annoying so i forced myself to not talk to her... and i remember the last time i hung out with her... i was so upset inside... we were just playing aorund... and she was going out with someone else... so id jokeinly push her aorund onto the couch... secretly i waas pushing her as hard as i could... her cousins thought i was playing, so he treid to tackle me, i got more and more mad inside... we were playing darts,... i thew them so hard, it was scarry, ive never felt so mixed up or confued in my life... i knew at the time i wanted her back... i had no friends and no1 to talk to... so i begged on myspace for help and people to talke to, chris came back to me like the good friend he is, thats how i met kinleigh and julia... i was down so i started hanging with them and his croud.... and i met edgar too... it was the simpsons movie premear... i was texting my lost girl so sad, and we were argueing, and it was so hard to sit still and try and have fun... i did crazy things to keep my mind off everyting... like eat popcorn off edgars crotch and stuff... and while arguieng on texts... she said she wanted me back... and after talking so much... i realized wha ti didnt want to realized, that we dont belong together... it was hard i cried a little there, but i let her go, and moved on... but not really... i was sad cause no1 liked me, and made it a goal to find someone else... big mistake... chris tells me that someone likes me days later... and it waas kinlees friend juila... she saw me on myspace... we talked and went out, she became annoyed of me... and i was all thinking after a couple weeks or les that maybe... shes the ones... ill spend forever... the one to fill the void that was left by my first... i was wrong, should never have someone replace what was taken away, well that went to hell for us, kinlee lost a best friend, and i lost the girl, and many other girls after... ive been thorugh alot of love and love lost...
thats what ive always been about i geuss... love... it plays a big part in my life... yeah im one of those gaga kinda people who is always loveing to be withsomeone... all aobut the love and what not...
but after makeing soo many mistakes ive realized ive become paranoid... cause in teh past in all those ralations ive been thought... mose of them if not all of them...it was all me... i was doing something wrong... it was always me...
i dont like loss ill admit it... espically loseing someone youve become acustom to loveing so much... its heart wrenching...
i know its kinda sad that im all about this kinda romance stuff... but its always kida been me... ive always wanted to find it... and ive found it.. many times... lost it many times... made many mistakes... wanted to get married, wnated to be that one forever... i can almose say.. ive been through it all, and it took me a long time to realize alot of things... and learned so much, and experienced soo much in such little time...
but hows it like now... let me tell you...
friends style stregnth future...
friends i have teh two best freinds ever, thou i feel like im becomming dissconnected to them... they are my best friends..., i have my own style, its been dyeing down a alot fomr what i was senior year... gothic ish... stregnth.. i know im strong, ive just gotten weaker emotionally... and as for my future... i know what i want to do, i just have to get there...
Love and friends...
ive made many friends and lost many, and two have stayed... ive come to realize these are my best friends ever... i hope they stay... and as for love... well its real diffrent from anyone ive ever been with, and i have to say im happy.
my friends have all moved in some way, kinlee with her dad, and chris with his dad also...
i feel disconnected to them...
i feel so bad cause i know i can do sooo much more to hang out with them.. and i feel so bad cause i dont... i just lay here... i could ask my dad to go ther... i could spend the night therei can ask my parents to take me to go see them...
i know i could so soo much more.. i feel bad cause i dont...
so please foregive me...
ive lost my train of though so these last few thoughts may not be as powerful or movied as they origionally predicted to be in my head...
love...
i love my girl with all my heart... ive lost and learned so much in teh past... ive never had anyone like her... having so much fun, and being romatic, just i love it...
im so useto always doing something wrong i think alot of the time, that im doing wrong or i think stupid sutff how you dont want me arround when i should know its not true
i care about you so much i just dont want to mess up or anything like ive done before, i just want to be teh best for you
i just feel like im soo bad sometimes.. thinking bad thoughts, im soo damn needy i dont ever want to hold you back, i want to be there to help you when ever your down and need something, i want to understand you, your soo diffrent from most of everyting i know i dont always understand your songs, your poetry, your ideas, what wrong when your down...
i worry alot when i know i shouldnt be... ya know... stuff lke what if im doing something wrong... or if im hurting you...
i dont ever want to hurt your or makeyou sad or hold you back ever...
i love you so much, i dont think ive ever loved someone as much as you
im looseing my train or thought really bad i cant remember everyhting i wanted to say...
sorry
well remember how i said i have this story...
its always on my mind...
the characters... me...
its soo diffrent... i get to thinking of all kinds of cool things i could do for you Em, and you guys too chris, kinleigh...
id help you guys get jobs homes and car... id just hand it to you... help you guys so much more than i actually could in real life... i wish i could at times, just take you all out and have fun...
and for em... im always thinking so much stupid crap you'd probobly never think of, cause you make me so happy ya know, id be like in teh shower and i know'd you'd be out at church or something i can just imaging being up there playing in a bad in front of everyoone, or in your front lawn for no reason, driveing you around takeing you places, introduceing you to people who would become good friends to you...
soo much stuff i know i cant be though sometimes i wish i could do for you all
foregive me, im weak lazy and anal at times...
im soo strong in my dreams... sometimes i wish i could pull thoguht for you guys
theres probobly alot i skiped thought... i cant remember them righ tnow im tired and lost my train of thought,...
sorry...
ive felt like i havent ever started living till about sophmore year, and ive gone so fast and now things have started to wind down..
why may you ask i started living so late?
i was shelted, i kept to myself and came out ever so slowly, then, i just started to break away so fast, i was falling away so fast, i changed so much in such little time... i actually belive ive lived more than alot of otheres out there my own age... and when i think to that i dont even think of times before when i didnt live here...
ive had so much, lost so much, learned so much, in just a matter of years... change.. was everywere so fast i adapted, rescessed.
i started off with nothing, not knowing anyhting i wanted in life, then gained to much, became so happy, been through so many downs, and i belive ive fiannly found who i am, ive been through times where i just wanted to go out and live, and ive been through times where i just didnt want to live
but a few things came through, that have been key points duing my change...
in teh very past i dont know where i heard it, but i hated the way girls were treated, and i told myself at a young age, that, i wouldnt do anyhitng bad, i wouldnt hurt a soul like from what i seen, and that i would try and be the greatest love i could be, it was a really big goal for me to find love...
even before that, i remember, all i ever wanted was to be someone of my own, i wanted to be cool, i wanted to have friends, id wish it all the time
i never knew what i wanted to be, i could never think of anyhting i was good at untill recently ive come to terms with things i love to do, and i wish to grow upon them
i was always weak, i wanted to be stronger when i grew up... i learned the hard way, and been throught some humiliation to be who i am now
i love to create... during my years in jr high, there was allways a story that i stuck up to ive created myself... and ongoing story that never ends... of things i fantasize, things ive loved seen, things i wished would happen, adventure romance, tradgidy, ...
this is just scrathching the surface... but everyhting in this, is purely me... im going in...
ill start at the begning... in elementry school... i know i wasnet cool, i was alway the odd one out, i had no style, and i was weak, i was never like any of the other boys... id go home every day and lie to my parents saying i made a new friends, and that we hung out every day... i wanted to be cool, i wasnet too sure aobut haveing a friend, ive never had one before, i never talked to anyone, i never asked for anyhting unless spoken too, i was that shy. Soon time passed by it was the third grade, i still had no friends, i wanted to be cool, and wanted to go and do things... i somehow met oscar, we became friends, its mostly a haze, but with us was out friend angel... i didnt learn his name till next year... cause thats when he became my best friend when oscar wasent around, i first started to get my own style around then too... it was the 90's after all... Nsync and shit was comming around the bend and cargo pants were getting pretty big, and i loved cargo pants when i was little, all these pockets, and they were all loose, and usless, i remember i had 2 pairs i always wore them. Later in the middle of the year a new student came in named jasif (Ha-see-if) and we started talking cause he was in angels class, and i was kinda weirdout by the new commer, but i soon got useto him and we became best friends, just the 3 of us hanging out, we would play soccer and talk about random stuff, and make dirty jokes that proboby werent so dirty. This is when i first went over to a friends house, and had a freidn come over for the first time... i remember going to his house to hang out with him.. i had to be home by like 4 or 5 and we would just sit there and watch tv i thought it was kinda boaring, so i look at his stuff, in his cool room. I decided to bring him over to my place one day, it was the most embaressing thing ever... cause in me and my brothers room, the owners before had winnie the poo painted on teh walls, and i had thomas the tank engine bed sheets and crap... never got new ones... so jasif was laughing at me for having them... i was always a pussy, and didnt see it till one day hanging out at school playing soccer i got hit and started to cry, and jasif and angel, were all asking me if i was ok, and kinda chuckling at me cause i started crying after such a small hit... thats when i decided to be stronger... next thing ya know.. next hit i took, i realized how much easier it was to just take it and keep moveing... theres no more crying allowd for such things anymore...
Time passed, my b-day came rolling around... i was going to have my first party... my friends angel and jasif were gunna be there, and some of their siblings and what not... ive never had a part ever so it was new to me... my brother got me that day my first boom box, he paied, and amazing 10-15$ at the time for it, i was soo impressed at how expensive it was, and questioned how he got it for me... but after seeing it i soon didnt care cause it was mine, but one thing hit me, i didnt listen to music... i thought to myself at teh party when everyone was playing games, who likes music anyways... idk i dont like it so i refuse to like it, ill be like the only cool one to not like it... my grandparents were there, they knew what my brother got me and they got me 2 cd's... ill have to say it was the most pathetic cd's ever... Puff the Magic Dragon, and Celebrateing Friends... i remember trying out my boom box at the time playing those cd's... my friends at the time must have been like WTF man... ask if you couldnt be any more pussy than this... ive only listend to the celebrateing friends cd once, the first track, then i put it away to never listen to it again, and the puff the magic dragon one... well i didnt like that one so i listend to the first few trackes and decided it was garbage and never listned to it again...
6th grade came around...
my parents said we were going to move... i was sad at this thought but happy at the same time cause id be somewhere diffrent... sad in the way that id be without my friends... mainly jasif... i remember bringing a map of the new houseing development to school telling my teacher and friends where i was going to move... it was suppose to be in teh middle of the school year, but they kept pushing it back so we didnt move till about summer... i remember walking home from school one day.. the last day of school... thinking about the future... about what was after 6th grade and that how education should jsut stop and you shoudl be able to do what ever you want, and that i was soo scared of going to jr high/high school, i was scared to grow up and have to work and loose the things i liked to do, but i didnt like to much at the time so idk what the hell i was thinking, i remember thinking... i dont want to live that kind of life... but wait... i want to live to find love... but i dont want to grow up... ohh hell idk if i want to kill myself or keep on going... then walking slowly i passed by my building where my class was, and said goodbye, im noting going to see that place ever again... thats when i checked out this chick for the first time... i remember looking at this preppyish girl ive never payed attention to before in my life, and only noticeing her like 2-3 times throughout the whole year, and i said to myself, shes kinda pretty, in her pink top and tan shorty shorts, wavey brown hair, and i think she had bewbies... BUT WAIT im never comming back her... ill never get a change to know or even talk to her, i cant even remember her damn name... aw shit what was it... ohh man i want to talk to her get to know her, i hate the way in all those shows how girls are mistread and crap i wanna know what its like to be with someone.... ohh well fuck it
well eventually we moved to snowmass lane... in a nearby town... i remember the first day we moved into teh house... i was the first one to get my bed set up and we sat there unpacking till like 10pm and man were me tired... it was kinda odd being in a new home, it had a funny smell... and everything was white... i just remember i got to pick the carpet and countertops lol. So i felt kinda sad cause i missed my friend jasif so i called him a couple times to see what was up... not to often thou... was too shy too... but when we first moved here, my parents decided to get me and my brother, computers for school, BRAND new computers... i felt like soo spoiled at the time cause my parents never spent so much $ on me or my brother before... my brother always seemed to get the best of things... i remember he wanted a mac, and i wanted to pick my computer just like he did, but i didnt get to... my parents got teh cheapest one at walmart when he got to pick out what mac he wanted, what color and model... and not only that but was it way more expensive... by like 2-300$ worth... still to this day he always seems to get the best, but im become simple and dont complain (he got a 100$ toolset today, AND he is COMPLAING ABOUT IT) but yea... back to my life story... there was a problem with his mac so we brought it back, and then they didnt have another one to replace it with so they got him a LAPTOP that was EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE... and i was like aww damn... and we both got to pick out a video game for the computer too... so i spend those times... playing Diablo 2 and getting scared cause it was scarry... and my bro got the sims i think... well yeah school time came aorund i was soo scared to what it would be like... i didnt want to change and grow up and do shit like PE and all that kida crap i didnt know shit about... i remember i was an extream loaner... cause i knew nothing and i had to find all my classes and crap, and that i foregot my schduel but i had this digital planner that had all my classes on it so thats how i survied the first day... i remember being sooo embaressed to even pull it out... lunch time sucked cause i had no friends, and didnt know where to eat, so i ate in front of the school by myself... till one day i was eating lunch at the caffateria for once... this dude was talking about diabo 2 or starcraft or something, and i jumped into the convo, and thats how me and kyle became friends, i met him the next day in teh lunch line and we started hanging out being nerdy, thats also the first time... I PLAYED XBOX. i also started to break away from my stupid habits at this time, i was lazy and didnt do my homeowrk and failed classes and made friends and dirty jokes and what not, and brought friends over more thatn the norm, i still had no style, but i started listning to music, i was relaly big into video games, and my parents would take me and mt bro to the flea market in modesto alot so i got all my video games from there, so that was my life then, i still didnt know what i wanted to be or do when i grew up. and i started buying crap i didnt use or need, like boom boxes and shit, but my brother showed me OCremix and i started listning to remixed video game music, i couldnt sleep without noise so i started listning to cd's in my sleep, they were pluged into that trusy bomb box my brother gave me ohh long ago, it was allways bad, id have my headphones in, and be jammin to som hardcore video game techno and id become unpluged, and then bam it would be soo loud in my room at like 1am and crap, im surprized no1 noticed. its kinda odd to belive i use to do that just on the other side of my room years ago...
Highschool came around i treid to hang with the same friends i useto that ive made in jr high... Kyle, Nathan, Chris A... that didnt work to well... at pitman... kyles sister was a senior so we hung out with her, and chris a, came along with us, and nathan, my best at the time left, i think it was because kyle and chris always made fun of him... i always felt bad, and i think i should have stood up for him more...
but i remember we all got into yu gi oh cards and magic... so we would go and play that at lunch time afer we got our pizza bagles and crap, then teh candy man woul dcome around and id buy everyone candy.. lol heres teh turning point, in the "wookies" class, me and kyle met chris g, who is now ans still my best friend, we sat next to eachoter and talked and what not, and we convinced him to come over to teh art room at lunch to trade some cards baby xD we didnt talk to much, but i started seeing him aorund alot more, and he really became my best friend over time. well i got into emailing... my dad wanted me to email some ladys daughers cause she knew the family, he never gave me teh email.. but i found it on the floor and decied to email her... i freaked the shit outa her cause i was blabbing aorund random stuff and was jsut plain creepy... that was my frist attempt on talking to a girl... i FAIL. Summer came rolling around and i just didnt hang out with anyone... i watched tv and played warcraft 3 and diablo 2 and the sim's all day while watching TLC's what not to wear, animal planet, and when things got really bad it was those creepy baby shows with the women giving birth and crap... i watched what not to wear cause i knew i had no style and i just wanted to be cool... i remember crying ymself to sleep at night cause i wanted to have a style, i wanted to be approachable, i wanted to be cool, like everyone else... at some point in time i got mad, so what i did was air guitar and headbang, and i looked in the mirror and my hair was all fliped out, i was like woa, i found a new hairstyle, no more hair jell and 50's hairstyle for me! and for the hell of it i decied IM NOT GOING TO WEAR MY GLASSES unless i damn right need them so that became my look for a long time...
sophmore year rolled aound i continued like normal, not lieking school failing ect, still playing video games, hanigng with a new croud now, chris and his friends, i brought my friends over kyle and well yeah thats aobut it cause chris a, dissapeared and never came back one day... and bre graduated... but one thing remained... i wanted to find love... little did i know was that this is when i was gunna start liveing and fast...
chris borught over a couple friends, case we were talking about how we wanted to make a band or soemthing, i just started playing guitar, and he wanted me to meet them.. it was austen and jorden... i just remeber them feeling... soo ... BIG, i felt like an inmatture kid to them... around meeting them a new gal came mid school year to my art class who was gunna change my life. I remember laughing at her cause the special ed kid was hitting on her lmao, well she moved seats the next day, and passed me a note, and i stared at if for like 10mins like WTF WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO, so i wrote hi to her and gave it back, i found it a real inconvience thou... case we passed notes back and fourth all the time... and people started questioning me, random girls were like are you guys passing notes? and shit like that... it was weird...
cause she said i looked cute, and asked me stuff like, if i ever had a gf before, and it was awkward, cause i told her i never had, and she told me i looked like someone who's been with ALOTTA girls... i was soo weirded out and happy at the time cause it was the first time someone liked me, i didnt care what she looked like, she liked me, so id walk up to my friends and tell them what happened and they wer elie woa xD it was weird...
at this time... all i know is that it had a certain feel... and i can feel it now as i think about it, a kind of golden feel... that is hard to describe...
well it was odd always talking to her, and giveing her my phone # cause my parents would ask who the hell is calling all the time, and i wouldnt talk long cause id be too embaressed to be talking to her, but i got useto it after awhile... we then got into the habit of calling eachoter everyday several times a day...
i made alot of friends that year too... austen and jorden... we did hella crazy stuff, that i just wasnet useto.. i had this attitude... where i just didnt want to care, but i never broke away at my past feeling, so i was always paranoid... scared to do the things they did, but i was there and enjoying every minute of it, i soon broke my goodie goodie habit, and learned to have fun doing simple things, and even real simple things such as shareing drinks without going paranoid cause it wasent my own, and how to just haf fun and not worrie, ill always remember those time and all teh funny stupid shit we did... and ill always remember this time too cause of the love i had... we went al whole summer without seeing eachoter... i saw her like once... and got in so much toruble for makeing out on my bed... and what not... my mom was soo pissed so was my dad... it was at this time i was starting to explore and it wasnet good.. im real parnoid now.. ive done so much, and almost gotten caught so mant times... i dont always feel comfortalbe now having intamite times and what not...
time went one i made new freinds still had my old ones, and i began to get more into her... i got mad at my freinds cause she made me belive that they were sueing me... so i hung out with her.. ill always remember this time cause i was uncomfortalbe, and it was the first time i was actually kinda getting down... and i knew something was up... something was gunna change... for one i left all my friends so i had no1 but her... that summer we broke up, after being together over a year
times were rought after that, it was the first time i waas depressed, and i didnt want to do anyhintg i couldnt at all, id pace around all day thinking and tyring to call her all the time to get her back... i knew i was jsut getting more annoying so i forced myself to not talk to her... and i remember the last time i hung out with her... i was so upset inside... we were just playing aorund... and she was going out with someone else... so id jokeinly push her aorund onto the couch... secretly i waas pushing her as hard as i could... her cousins thought i was playing, so he treid to tackle me, i got more and more mad inside... we were playing darts,... i thew them so hard, it was scarry, ive never felt so mixed up or confued in my life... i knew at the time i wanted her back... i had no friends and no1 to talk to... so i begged on myspace for help and people to talke to, chris came back to me like the good friend he is, thats how i met kinleigh and julia... i was down so i started hanging with them and his croud.... and i met edgar too... it was the simpsons movie premear... i was texting my lost girl so sad, and we were argueing, and it was so hard to sit still and try and have fun... i did crazy things to keep my mind off everyting... like eat popcorn off edgars crotch and stuff... and while arguieng on texts... she said she wanted me back... and after talking so much... i realized wha ti didnt want to realized, that we dont belong together... it was hard i cried a little there, but i let her go, and moved on... but not really... i was sad cause no1 liked me, and made it a goal to find someone else... big mistake... chris tells me that someone likes me days later... and it waas kinlees friend juila... she saw me on myspace... we talked and went out, she became annoyed of me... and i was all thinking after a couple weeks or les that maybe... shes the ones... ill spend forever... the one to fill the void that was left by my first... i was wrong, should never have someone replace what was taken away, well that went to hell for us, kinlee lost a best friend, and i lost the girl, and many other girls after... ive been thorugh alot of love and love lost...
thats what ive always been about i geuss... love... it plays a big part in my life... yeah im one of those gaga kinda people who is always loveing to be withsomeone... all aobut the love and what not...
but after makeing soo many mistakes ive realized ive become paranoid... cause in teh past in all those ralations ive been thought... mose of them if not all of them...it was all me... i was doing something wrong... it was always me...
i dont like loss ill admit it... espically loseing someone youve become acustom to loveing so much... its heart wrenching...
i know its kinda sad that im all about this kinda romance stuff... but its always kida been me... ive always wanted to find it... and ive found it.. many times... lost it many times... made many mistakes... wanted to get married, wnated to be that one forever... i can almose say.. ive been through it all, and it took me a long time to realize alot of things... and learned so much, and experienced soo much in such little time...
but hows it like now... let me tell you...
friends style stregnth future...
friends i have teh two best freinds ever, thou i feel like im becomming dissconnected to them... they are my best friends..., i have my own style, its been dyeing down a alot fomr what i was senior year... gothic ish... stregnth.. i know im strong, ive just gotten weaker emotionally... and as for my future... i know what i want to do, i just have to get there...
Love and friends...
ive made many friends and lost many, and two have stayed... ive come to realize these are my best friends ever... i hope they stay... and as for love... well its real diffrent from anyone ive ever been with, and i have to say im happy.
my friends have all moved in some way, kinlee with her dad, and chris with his dad also...
i feel disconnected to them...
i feel so bad cause i know i can do sooo much more to hang out with them.. and i feel so bad cause i dont... i just lay here... i could ask my dad to go ther... i could spend the night therei can ask my parents to take me to go see them...
i know i could so soo much more.. i feel bad cause i dont...
so please foregive me...
ive lost my train of though so these last few thoughts may not be as powerful or movied as they origionally predicted to be in my head...
love...
i love my girl with all my heart... ive lost and learned so much in teh past... ive never had anyone like her... having so much fun, and being romatic, just i love it...
im so useto always doing something wrong i think alot of the time, that im doing wrong or i think stupid sutff how you dont want me arround when i should know its not true
i care about you so much i just dont want to mess up or anything like ive done before, i just want to be teh best for you
i just feel like im soo bad sometimes.. thinking bad thoughts, im soo damn needy i dont ever want to hold you back, i want to be there to help you when ever your down and need something, i want to understand you, your soo diffrent from most of everyting i know i dont always understand your songs, your poetry, your ideas, what wrong when your down...
i worry alot when i know i shouldnt be... ya know... stuff lke what if im doing something wrong... or if im hurting you...
i dont ever want to hurt your or makeyou sad or hold you back ever...
i love you so much, i dont think ive ever loved someone as much as you
im looseing my train or thought really bad i cant remember everyhting i wanted to say...
sorry
well remember how i said i have this story...
its always on my mind...
the characters... me...
its soo diffrent... i get to thinking of all kinds of cool things i could do for you Em, and you guys too chris, kinleigh...
id help you guys get jobs homes and car... id just hand it to you... help you guys so much more than i actually could in real life... i wish i could at times, just take you all out and have fun...
and for em... im always thinking so much stupid crap you'd probobly never think of, cause you make me so happy ya know, id be like in teh shower and i know'd you'd be out at church or something i can just imaging being up there playing in a bad in front of everyoone, or in your front lawn for no reason, driveing you around takeing you places, introduceing you to people who would become good friends to you...
soo much stuff i know i cant be though sometimes i wish i could do for you all
foregive me, im weak lazy and anal at times...
im soo strong in my dreams... sometimes i wish i could pull thoguht for you guys
theres probobly alot i skiped thought... i cant remember them righ tnow im tired and lost my train of thought,...
sorry...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Its going to be awhile
Ive been kinda down latley, as time passed i never had friends, then i made some, then i had more than i could handle, and everythings all settled down to my last, theres only a few people left in my life so far, and its been kinda bumming me down, thats why also ive gotten so down over another friend before, its cause i dont have many, and when you get close to someone so fast as a friend, then it blows up in your face, well it takes some time to realize things, and well if you dont know me... it takes me a long time to realize things sometimes, just for being the dumbass i am sometimes. Well im feeling just kinda down and hopeless, its kinda hard to see my two best friends now, i feel like im drifting apart from them or something, heh kinlee's step mum, Bonnith The Obliterator hates me cause shes thinks im a thief... how the hell that happens i dont know... i cant even remember, but i heard it was over a joke and she believed it. and well for Chris, he's my best bud, he's in modesto now, i dont have a liscence nor dose he, so its hard to see eachother, im just really sad, they are the only ones i could really hang out with, well i just kinda feel like i have not much of anyhitng, and thought ya know maybe this gives me a chance to get closer to my brother, but i was wrong, i wish i could hang with him, i wish i could hang out with my friends, i wish i could hang out with emily...
last time i treid to chill with my brother i asked if i could come with him, he shut the door nd left the house, as i stood in the hallway just spaceing out till i could hear his engine start up, i knew it was the honda, then i heard it drive off.
im just really down, i feel kinda pointless and at a loss here, but im sure things will get better...
so i geuss what you could say is, im going through alot even though its not much, im getting down over alot of things, some things i shouldnt be thinking, and i should know better, reassurence... and i feel like i could be doing better, and im not helping anyone around me, i feel like a neuscence and makeing all kinds of bad calls.
i dont know what else to say, i just want to thank chris and kinlee for being the best friends i have, and my girl emily, it makes me happy just to know that your mine, i jus t dont want to drag your espically or anyone else down.
well im out, im gunna grab a drink and shed some tears, ill be back.
Cheers...
last time i treid to chill with my brother i asked if i could come with him, he shut the door nd left the house, as i stood in the hallway just spaceing out till i could hear his engine start up, i knew it was the honda, then i heard it drive off.
im just really down, i feel kinda pointless and at a loss here, but im sure things will get better...
so i geuss what you could say is, im going through alot even though its not much, im getting down over alot of things, some things i shouldnt be thinking, and i should know better, reassurence... and i feel like i could be doing better, and im not helping anyone around me, i feel like a neuscence and makeing all kinds of bad calls.
i dont know what else to say, i just want to thank chris and kinlee for being the best friends i have, and my girl emily, it makes me happy just to know that your mine, i jus t dont want to drag your espically or anyone else down.
well im out, im gunna grab a drink and shed some tears, ill be back.
Cheers...
I dont want to believe it
I dont want to believe it.
theres two sides of me
one in its place, the other putting my other half in its place.
i dont want to believe it when it says
the worlds a harsh place, and almost every being in it, dose what it can to benifit themselves and themselves alone, thus leading to the fact that, some people just dont give a damn.
i dont want to believe it
theres two sides of me
one in its place, the other putting my other half in its place.
i dont want to believe it when it says
the worlds a harsh place, and almost every being in it, dose what it can to benifit themselves and themselves alone, thus leading to the fact that, some people just dont give a damn.
i dont want to believe it
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